In my last blog I finished of with the following:
Self-Reward:
Within this thread I have come to see/realize and understand about myself that I am using certain specific backchats as starting point to generate energy and to get me excited within and as my mind to eventually look for actual sex through either having sex with a woman or by masturbating, because through this, I as my mind consciouness system can aquire more energy through having an orgasm, for my existence as this mind consciousness system. Thus now that I have become more aware of what I am doing and why I am doing it, I can stop and change myself in the moment and do not participate in such backchats at all and eventually in the end where I won't participate in any backchat, because these are all illusions and delusional, and are not what is BEST for me nor for all of LIFE.
Now I'm moving to the next dimension which will be, the Reaction-dimension.
Reaction-Dimension:
*** There is this anxiety that maybe my kiss will not fall into her liking.
*** An reaction as/of anxiety of being caught starring at her legs.
*** An reaction as/of anxiety about my voice maybe not being found as sweet as I believe and think.
Self-Forgiveness statements:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this anxiety within me existing, of maybe my kiss will not fall into her liking, within which I judge myself and also rely on another for what and how I want to express myself within and as a moment, separating myself completely from reality and sabotage myself to in the end up doubting myself if I should kiss her or not.
When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into the anxiety within me of maybe my kiss not falling in her liking, wherein I judge myself and also rely on this judgement of another for what and how I want to express myself in a moment, separating myself completely from reality and sabotage myself into doubt about kissing her or not kissing her, I STOP--------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here, till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
Thus within this, I commit myself to through my writing of self-florgiveness and also through my out loud speaking of self-forgiveness to eradicate this fear I have created within myself that obstruct myself in a moment of self-expression, making doubt myself and if this does not stop and it continues, I then go into investigating more thoroughly what it is I have missed within my self-forgivnesses that still give rise to the fear and that it still exist within me as me as the mind as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my self-expression and choose my fear that exist within me as me as the mind as energy.
When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into judging my self-expression and choose instead the fear that exist within me as me as the mind as energy, I STOP---------------- I breathe, and I ground myself within and as my human physical body/form and focus on my breathing till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
I realize that I am choosing fear above/over self-expression, because I have made myself to do so all the time, I have brainwashed myself to always choose fear above/over self-expression and don't even know how to self-express, because I never lived it before. All I did before was reacting through the mind in certain/specific moments, events and circumstances to the consequences I myself created within/without myself together within the world outside where I participate in the collective consequence creations with the rest of what is here as human beings.
Therefore, I commit myself to little by little, step by step to teach myself to express myself as ME as the living body as this human physical body/form that I am in fact, as all of what it consists of and exists as, till I am one and equal with it in fact. And do this through self-introspection and self-investigation and forgiving myself for not living as my human physical body/form but instead live as personalities within my mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anxiety of being caught starring at her legs, which implicates to myself that I am having this anxiety, because of what I myself have accepted and allowed to be morally unacceptable and within this, secretly trying to watch anyways, and trying also at the same time not to get caught doing so, because the woman in fact may not approve of this.
When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into reaction of anxiety because I am aware of my own dishonesty within and as my mind to/towards her/woman, I STOP---------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
I realize that I am going into anxiety because I am aware of my own dishonesty within myself to/towards her/woman.
Therefore, I commit myself to work out this anxiety reaction within and as myself to/towards her/woman in relation to my own dishonesty, through my writing of Self-forgiveness and my commitment to life so I can not only stop participation within this reaction, but also delete it from within me as me as the mind as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anxiety because of myself thinking and believing that my voice will not be found sweet by another, within this jugding my own voice to be sweet and that a sweet voice should be something acceptable.
When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into reaction of anxiety because of what I think/believe my voice will found as by another, wherein I judge my own voice to be sweet and that a sweet voice should be something acceptable, I STOP---------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back here till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
I realize that I am thinking/believing that my voice will not be found sweet by another and within this belief, I judge my own voice based on this self-created belief and then give what I perceive and interpret would be an " acceptable voice," more value then my actual/real voice itself.
Thus within this, I commit myself to through my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitments to life, to workout this reaction of anxiety to/towards my own voice as what I perceive/interpret another might find of it and make sure I focus on my breathing while communicating with others and when having that reaction coming up within me to immediately remind myself to stop the conversation and excuse myself for a moment and just do something in that moment that is a physical application that can be as simple as holding my two hands together or take a short walk away from the person and come back when I have stabilized myself within and as myself within and as my breathing, and my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be programmed to think/belief what a sweet voice should be or not be and use this self-manipulation to go against my own real physical voice that my physical body/form produces to put my perception/interpretation of what it should sound like and/or be like first and of more importance and value.
When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into my self-programming of what I think/belief a sweet voice should be or not be like and use this self-manipulation to go against my own real physical voice and find the self-manipulation voice having more importance and value, I STOP--------------I breathe, and focus on m,y breathing till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
I Realize that I am using what I think/belief a sweet voice should be like, against my own real physical voice and give this belief more importance and value then my real voice itself.
Therefore, I commit myself to through my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitment to life to little by little to put more trust and importance within and as my own voice and stand within and as my own voice when I communicate/speak with another and make sure I stick to my breathing and focus on it so I do not loose myself within and as my mind with its judgement of my voice while in communication.
Self-Reward:
Within this Thread I have seen/realized and understood within and as myself that I am creating believes about my voice as how another will perceive and interpret it and based on this belief that in its own turn is also my own perception and interpretation put me in a position where I judge myself, sabotage myself and give the belief more importance and value from which I go through an reaction of anxiety to/towards myself in realtion to what I think/belief others may find about myself, and also within this when it comes to starring at women's legs I have placed a judgement within and as myself to be dishonest and unacceptable because I have set my own moral code and I then break it, thus react in anxiety for deliberately breaking my own moral-code of conduct. Thus now within all this I have given myself the opportunity to clean up this mess within and as myself till I will be free of these reactions to/towards myself and to/towards others as myself.
Thanks.
Larry Manuela
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