Thursday, 2 January 2014

Day 276, Memories that triggers the need/want/desire for sex in the relasionship : Part 1


Within my blog named: challenge or no challenge Part 2,''  i wrote a few commitments and self-realizations that need more investigation, because i see that within them there is still not an understanding, because i cannot see when i created them, and then keep this as a memory that will make me react when in a relationship with a woman. There is a personality i have created within myself that has a defense mechanism that protect its existence within me as me in the mind. So now here are the self-realizations i am going to work with that i wrote in the previous blog:

** I realize that i am manipulating others with my personalities just to get what i want, thus to feed my self-interest.

** I realize that i am letting myself get manipulated deliberatly in order to also get what i want in the end, which is postive energetic experience.

** I realize that again i am giving the personalities in my mind or that i project as seeing in others more importance and valuable than that which is real itself, which the human physical body/form.

** I realize that i am giving lots of credit to the persona in the mind especially if it has some traits that i preceive as good, because if it is ''good'' i can like it, and then experience a positive energy experience about it within myself.

** I realize that i am seeking the positive energetic experience through triggering feelings of happiness within and as me, and projecting it outside of me as seeing it in others according to my own mind interpretation.

So now, i am going to write this down in a  way that is clear to me so i can see what my mind is doing, or how i am looking at this in my mind and then from there proceed with the working out of the point.

With deliberate manipulation of my personality to/towards others and also to myself i use it to get what i want, which is positive energetic experience. What i perceive/interpret through/via this personality as ''good traits'' i use as connecting the dots/fueling up for the experience to happen within myself. These ''good traits perceptions/interpretations '' i then use to trigger ''happy feelings'' within me and then project that out as seeing it in others.

Now here is the tricky point that i have discovered within myself that i have to understand about myself as this personality.
I have a perception/interpretation and then i project it outside myself unto others and then deliberately get confused in the moment between the perception/interpretation and the projection, meanwhile the '' feeling happy'' is happening.
So when i look at it i see this confusion, but why do i have to confuse myself about it, when the perception/interpretation is equal and one with the projection?
This question here i am asking myself is when i look into the point, its as if my mind does not want me to look at it, but i proceed.

So the answer to my own question is; it is because i don't want to stop this experience i get out of this perception/interpretation, thus i must create conflict and friction within myself when i'm looking at it myself in order for me to not see that i like it, that i want this personality to exist within me as me as the mind as energy.

Now in moment of being with another and i do NOT get a feedback as in what i think/belief i have to get as feedback; i retreat, and using this retreat as a defense mechanism in order to hold the personality within myself intact. It is like looking at the reaction of the other, but because it is not what i want and desire i wait for the one that i want and desire by taking a retreat position within myself as the mind.

So now i have something to work with, that i will work out in my next blogs as the 7 dimensions in my mind.

The points i have to work out are:

**  ''good traits'being used to either connect or fuel the trigger point in order to get a happy feeling.

**  when i ask myself question my mind use confusion to keep me from looking inside of it

**  that i like my personality to exist and stay intact thus i use conflict and friction in the form of inventing a delusional confusion to protect what i like.

**  when i do not get what i want as feedback in them and get emotional reaction for example, i retreat within myself as this personality, to defend myself in this way, so the personality does not have to be faced and worked out and thus remains.

So with these i will be working in my next blogs.


Larry Manuela

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