What I wrote in my previous blog in the end as a summary was the following:
Self-Reward:
Within this Thread I have seen/realized and understood within and as myself that I am creating believes about my voice as how another will perceive and interpret it and based on this belief that in its own turn is also my own perception and interpretation put me in a position where I judge myself, sabotage myself and give the belief more importance and value from which I go through an reaction of anxiety to/towards myself in realtion to what I think/belief others may find about myself, and also within this when it comes to starring at women's legs I have placed a judgement within and as myself to be dishonest and unacceptable because I have set my own moral code and I then break it, thus react in anxiety for deliberately breaking my own moral-code of conduct. Thus now within all this I have given myself the opportunity to clean up this mess within and as myself till I will be free of these reactions to/towards myself and to/towards others as myself.
So now up to the next dimension which will be, the Physical/Behavioural-Dimension.
Physical/Behavioural-Dimension:
*** My heart beating faster by having the thoughts/imaginations about kissing her or a woman
*** My penis reacting and becomes hard because of me having thoughts about how her lips must feel on my lips
*** My hands caressing my own face as I get into the starring at the shineness of her or womens body(ies)
Self-Forgiveness & Self-Commitment statements:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my heart beating faster by having the thoughts/imaginations about kissing her or a woman, because I can see that this is the way I always prepare myself for probable, in real time opportunities, if they should ever present themselves, without seeing/realizing and understanding that I am preparing myself within and as and through my mind for something that can only happen physically, in order for it to be real.
When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into my mind preparation for an actual even that may or may not happen in the Real reality, I STOP-----------I breathe, and I focus on my breathing till I am calm and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
I realize that my heart is beating faster due to the excitement I get from the thoughts/imaginations about kissing her or a woman, and this give me then a platform through the mind to prepare myself for an actual event that may occur or may not occur in the future, but it is to be ready so to speak, when in reality I am aware that an actual, in real time event in a moment is that what it is, and cannot be prepared for by imagining it, because the other person has their own way of expressing themselves which is not known within my mind, my mind only focus on itself and what it can get as energy out of any situation as myself as it.
Therefore, I commit myself to make sure I am aware of myself as my breath in each moment and be patient with myself when I do miss breaths, to just stop and start again, focusing again and help myself remind myself through doing something physical, like for example, simply holding my two hands together or take a short walk outside or just move from one place of the room to another in the house, and if this point keep on coming up, it does not stop, then I know that there are some points within it that I have missed, so I go to my writing of Self-Forgiveness and my commitments to life again till this point is completely worked out and is no a point anymore within my life that affect my living and also the living of others as myself within my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my penis react to thoughts I have about how her or a woman's lips must be feeling, because this gives me an indication of liking her or a woman sexually and that my penis getting hard just because of a thought means that she or the woman is approved by/through my mind consciousness system as myself, in way telling myself, convincing myself that my penis reacting as becoming hard is a validation I can trust, without seeing/realizing and understanding that I have made my penis addicted to react to these thoughts, because somewhere, deeply within myself I am aware that these thoughts can never be experienced as real if there is no physical interaction in some way involved.
When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into having my penis react to thoughts about kissing her or a woman's lips and how it must feel like, I STOP---------------take a deep breath and focus on my breathing till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
I realize that my penis is very reactive to thoughts of sexual imprinted images, because I have made it addicted to react to these pictures and images as thoughts within and as my mind and through this give myself as these thoughts the validation of being experienced as if they are real as me.
Thus within this, I commit myself to through my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitment to life to work out all these thoughts that make my penis react and becomes hard, and the next time my penis becomes hard to immediately remind myself to slow myself down and look within myself as my thoughts to see what movement i took within my thoughts that made my dick react and become hard, because that will indication, especially if there is no woman in actuality with me touching for real, just myself alone with my thoughts and my penis reacting as becoming hard, and if this continues even when I am slowing myself down in breath, then I am aware that I have not write myself out completely on this point and thus, I have to go to the drawing board again to dig more deeply into my mind consciousness system to find the specific point till I am free from it all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to caress my face when I am starring at her or a woman's body and liking the shineness of it, my hand caressing my face gives me the indication that in reality I want to caress her body, therefore my hand is doing that out of pure indoctrination or programming that I myself have placed within myself as a physical reaction to my thoughts.
When and as I see myself going into or I am about to go into caressing my face because of what I have as thoughts coming up within me as starring at her shiny body, I STOP-------------- take a deep breath and bring myself back till I am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the mind as energy.
I realize that I am caressing my face when starring at her body but this is something that is going on in my mind and is not happening in real reality, in the physical reality, there is no woman physically here in that moment with me to stare at, thus this is just make me stay within and as my mind consciousness system that will eventually lead me into actually trying to find to look for woman to match these thoughts as images and pictures in my mind, thus from there will never ever actually really communicate with someone entirely because I am looking for a match within my mind and within this my hands just go to my face as an indication that in my mind I am having these kind of thoughts but I am in that moment unaware of them but my hands are the proof, because they have been programmed to react in certain ways when certain/specific thoughts are within and as my mind.
Therefore, I commit myself to pay attention to my hands when they caress my face, to immediately in that moment to slow myself down in breath and start looking what thoughts I was having just before I started caressing my face, and when I do find the thought(s) to in that moment forgive myself that thought(s) and keep on breathing and focusing on my breathing and if the same reaction keeps on repeating itself, I then have to take it to writing of self-forgiveness to sort out the point completely, because that would be an indication that I have missed some vital points within my self-forgiveness statements that did not release the point completely.
Self-Reward:
Within this writing I have found within myself that I have made my body addictive to certain/specific patterns, but yet at the same time I can now use these pattern to identify when I am participating within and as my mind, because the body does not lie, it just follows the input that it has been given, or to put it more correctly, I manipulate through my mind my body to react in certain/specific ways in order to keep my mind going coming up with more thoughts and then to get the experience as if these are real by making the body react to them. Thus now that I am more aware of these, I can use these body behaviours to sort out myself as to what happens within my mind and forgive myself for allowing myself to have such thoughts that affect my body.
Thanks.
Larry Manuela
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