So within this thread i am going to write out the self-forgiveness statements and the self-commitment statements regarding what i wrote yesterday.
Here is the link: http://larry7yearwalk.blogspot.com/2013/01/day-196-after-affect-of-prison-life.html
so i finished with the last paragraph in the previous thread saying:
When i got out my little sister came to see me, my ex. arranged it with her, but she did not know that i was out. My ex. wanted to give her a surprise. So the moment she saw me, she just couldn't stop crying and she held me very tight in her arms and kept on crying. I myself, when i got out i was a little off, by this i mean.....the prison life had made me hard so to speak, i felt nothing, and was very much into myself. Because in prison everything was quiet, when i got out, i experienced everything going too fast and the noise was almost unbearable, i did not listen to music, did not watch t.v. because all these things were working on my nerves. I didn't go out much either, because i couldn't deal with the traffic and much people in large numbers. And it was in this state, that i started my journey into reading more seriously, started to question everything.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying it as it is, when i was about to tell my parents what i did, purely because of NOT wanting to go through the consequence of them finding out what i did, that i know that they will NOT approve.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear telling my parents also because of me knowing that my mother is sick, and did not want to make her sicker by her hearing what i did, and where i was.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to impulse my parents to experience sadness and disappointment.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and alllowed myself to impulse my siblings to experience sadness and disappointment in them do to my doings.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to tell my parents only half of the whole truth because of me fearing them to know how '' bad'' i really was.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let prison life to influence me so much so that when i got out, i couldn't function ''normally'' anymore, the noises of the outside world were working on my nerves.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let prison life affect me so much so that when i got out i became someone that didn't feel anything for no-one and was just pretending i do, to blend in. Thus within this i realize that i sabotaged myself by not investigating myself as to why and how i was behaving like this. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to never come to the idea of investigating my own thinking, my own feelings, my own emotions and everything else that i go through on a mental level and emotional level.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only start questioning what was going on in LIFE more seriously only because for me at the time, it was the worse thing that could have happen to me, it was my real falling point.
I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into or about to go into not saying the things as they are and if what i have to say will be BEST for all or not, and if the moment is NOT the right moment, i will just breathe in the moment till i am clear and stable and nothing moves within me as me as the energy as the mind.
I commit myself to make sure i am clear about communicating whatever with my parents and my siblings or whomever so that i do not hold on the fears within myself and sabotage myself to NOT live.
I commit myself to tell the truth always evaluating also always if me telling the truth will be BEST for all or not in a particular moment, so i don't create unnecessary consequences for myself and for others as myself in this current world system and human society.
I commit myself to make sure and little by little as a get to know how i create myself to make sure to impulse people to only what is BEST for all LIFE.
I commit myself to keep on investigating myself as to know myself so i can stop myself and create myself anew, but this time as a true breathing living being that lives only for what is BEST for all, thus also what is BEST for himself.
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