Friday, 27 April 2012

Day 14, A Woman i Like.

There is this young woman at work that i just like, and i ''know'' she likes me.
She is always trying to look at me and trying to start a conversation with me, but 
because of us working in different shifts we cannot really communicate and the other thing is, that i ''know'' that she is liking me based on her feelings and on how i look to her in her mind, which i can't approve right now. It is that i cannot accept and allow myself or any other to be fooled into their feelings, so within this i decided not to talk to her in the sense of trying to make her go into a relationship with me, because it will be based on her feelings to/towards me and not for what i really am, and especially when i am here facing myself and walking a process of self-forgiveness and self-correction in writing and placing my commitments.

It is not that i restrain myself into not going into a relationship, but i don't want to start one from the starting point of feelings, based on one's desires and wants. And understand that i am talking here from what i am perceiving. It can also be so that she does not like me like i am liking her, maybe she is just being nice. I even fear going to ask her, because i fear wanting to know that if she likes me, then what..?? because she is going to know that i like her and that would be like an opening and then i am in for a ride. But this is a girl that i can see within me that i like her just because i like her, there is not one feeling inside me, i just like her. I like the way she talks, the way she moves her body, the way she communicate to other people, the way she works, the way she understand things, i like her face features, but yet out of all this there is not one single thought about me wanting her for example as in the past immediately would be wanting and wishing to have sex with her. I can say that she is for the first time in my life that i like a girl/woman without having any thoughts relating to sex or feelings of sex involved, and it even amazes me, because i just can't find any thought relating to wanting her, desiring her, and wishing to have sex with her, what would have happened immediately in the old days, when i would see if someone likes me and i like them to, i will immediately have a feeling within my stomach. But this one there is nothing and i even try to see if nothing comes up, but yet nothing, i find this fascinating beyond measure, that because of this self-forgiveness and self-corrective applications i am doing i can see it is working, because this sex thing is and was a major thing in my life. I would immediately have sexual related images and feelings to/towards her. This is like a major realization for me. And i tested it out many times, every time i see her, i look at her and i see what happens within me, and nothing moves, it's fascinating. And i KNOW i like her. Sorry i am repeating myself here a lot, but this is just cool stuff...lol

So here the self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge this young woman as in me believing/thinking that she might be interested in me, because of the way she is looking at me and the way she talks to me, and how she is always trying to have eye contact with me, indicating that she wants me to come and say more or ask more, it is like an invite to '' please approach me, i want you''

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not go to her and explain her and tell her where i am at,and that i do like her but i am not like any ordinary people, because i don't like her because of feelings i have for her, but just because i like her.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear, because this fear is about me liking someone seriously without any feeling or thoughts revolving around sex and such, just a simple liking her and within this i am afraid that she might not like to hear this from me, because in this world people want you to have special feelings for them and they value this, so if i approach her and tell her like it is, that i really like her but without any feelings whatsoever she might ending up not liking me anymore or rejecting me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i approach her and tell her  like it is,that i like her without any feelings whatsoever that she might get scared.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i might scared her away.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even have or create and possible scenario within my mind, involving her where i see that she might not want to hear from me that i like her and that my liking her is not something she will expect, but is without feelings.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not be be truth to myself and just go and ask her if she likes me as i perceive or just tell her that i like her but without any feelings and desires.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear wanting to be with someone who does not even know about self-forgiveness and self-corrective application,because i fear that they might see me as a weirdo, and not someone one should be with or start anything with, and in this sabotaging myself and others by hiding own fear.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself fear when she finds out that i have no feelings for her, because of me already knowing that within this world ''feelings'' for another are a big thing, and especially when they like you, this liking is about what they feel and so they are expecting you to also have feelings for them and if you come with '' not having feelings'' to/towards them it will mean to them that i am lying that i don't really like them or that my liking them is not good enough, not valuable enough.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts about her anyways even though they are not sexual related, but i still have thoughts about her in my mind, where i judge her as beautiful and nice and attractive.


I commit myself to not to judge her or anyone for that matter and commit myself to when i see myself going into judgments i just take long deep breath and let it go.


I commit myself to face the fear i have created within me as to believe/think that she might not be interested in me after i tell her that i like her but without any feelings whatsoever.


I commit myself to always be self-honest in moments that i see i have to be self-honest within myself to/towards others as myself.


I commit myself to where there is necessary i can face my own fears, when i see that there is no danger in it all,and i know my self-honesty is my truth.






Thanks.




Larry Manuela








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