Today i had a little dispute with my ex. about me not being physically there for the children.
They live in another state and for me to get there cost money.
And every time i believe that i have a little money on the side and this time i am going to go and pay them a visit. And it is not only a visit, because when i go there they want to go out with me and have some fun and all of that costs money in the form of bus-tickets and sometimes train-tickets. To really go for just one day there i must have a minimum €100,- with me in my pocket this is excluding transportation and all of that. This thing works on my nerves sometimes, because i want to go and see them as much as they want to see me, but i just can't. I was planning to go this month, but eventually it didn't happen, because their payment for school was behind, and the payment for them to stay after school i had to pay these in one swoop and so the money i was holding back to go to them had to go to those things, so now here i am again waiting to put some money aside in order for me to go see them in at least one weekend, when i have a long one, because due to my work i sometimes start on Sunday in the evening so i take a rest in the day for the start in the evening that ends in the morning. And of course no matter how i try and explain the ex. she sees it as an excuse to not see the children and all the none sense. She told me that the children are angry at me, because it was since January that i saw them the last time. And i can understand their anger, but there is nothing i can do about it. I cannot make more debts just to go see them in one weekend and then have to wait for a long time again to see them after, because i am going to be late with expenses that i pushed aside, because there is just no more room for making or putting some money aside, it just doesn't happen. I am going to see what i can do in this month to go and see them in one of the weekends that i can be fully there.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ''feel'' sad because of me being unable to see my children due to lack of money.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for what i myself have created in the past that are now the consequences i must go through, as in not having enough money to even go see my children.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame the monetary system for me not having money to go to visit my children.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have reactions to/towards my ex.when she accuses me of not wanting to see the children and that i am just making up stories, when she knows that if i don't pay those things for her, she is going to have troubles, and i have to be in money trouble to by suspending some expenses to pay those things for her, because i know she is in social services and her money is not enough, even worst then me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the children are ,missing me and that they need to see me more often.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for the decision i made in the past involving me having to leave them with the mother, and within this being unable now to see them regularly because the distance plays a role and because of this distance it cost me more money that i don't have as much as i would like in order for me to visit them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel resentment because of the situation i have placed myself in where i now am unable to go see my children as much as i would like.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still not be able to explain to the kids in a more clear way that i just can't go to them as i would like and as they would like to, at this moment no matter what i say to them, they are still going to react in anger at me, because they believe that one just step into the train and you give a little money and you are there, but in reality they don't know what one must do to get that little money, they don't understand this, and within this i sometimes get frustrated, because due to this they might start to believe that i don't give a damn about them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my kids will think/believe that i don't give a damn about them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect; 'the kids believing/thinking that i don't give a damn about them' to fear within me as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes get angry at them in my secret mind, because they don't want to believe me and see it as me not giving a damn about them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place myself into a situation where now my kids have to blame me for not giving a damn about them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create such situations in the past that now must play out in the present as consequences that i must go through for what i have accepted and allowed about the decisions i have made during my life even before them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes wish that i did not even had kids, because now they are here and due to my own choices in the past now they have to go through all this turmoil with me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to wish that i better never had met their mother, so i wouldn't be putting them as kids into these kinds of experiences where i can't even go and see them as often as i would like.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself,my ex. and my children for what is going on in this situation where i can't see my children as often as i would like.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel irritated when i have to talk to my ex. about this every time, because it is always the same things we are going to talk about when she knows my situation.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not have made correct decisions in the past that have put me now in a situation where i have to ''hurt'' others ''emotionally'' and make a imprint in their minds that can have consequences in their soon to be lived future.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project my thoughts to/towards them having to be/become a person later on that because they were influenced and affected by me not being there all the time,made them make choices that will not be wise as in doing and living what is best for all.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that no matter what i do i must always walk as a self-responsible human being to be an example for them, and stick to what i am doing to bring about a world together with others so that these kind of situations don't happen in no one's families, where parents due to lack of money can't even have proper time with their children.
I commit myself to investigate more deeply what i can do and say in order to make it clear on the money subject so they don't blame me and live in blame and also don't blame money or people who make decisions about money, but that they find out what is going on so they won't accept and allow such atrocity to ever exist on a world that provides for everyone and everything equally.
I commit myself to breathe and let go of my resentments i have within myself regarding me not being able to see my kids as much as i would have liked to.
I commit myself to make sure to come up with a practical solution to this problem that can be implemented without me getting into delays with expenses that need to be done, just because i feel that i am letting my children down because i can see that having delays will prolong after that one time visiting even longer and this is not what is best for all.
I commit myself to never give up for finding solutions that can be practically applied and that are best for all participants so parents don't have to go through what i and my children are going through.
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