Within this self-forgiveness blog for this day i am going to place self-forgiveness on points i have just realized within me, when i called the son to have a talk with him to see how he is doing. the Daughter was talking to me but the son didn't want to talk to me, because apparently he was angry because he has to clean his bedroom that is messy. When i was on the phone i could hear how the sister was talking to him in a way that is very commending, bossy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have an energetic reaction when hearing the son crying, because he does not want to clean up his room.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to emotionally connect myself to/towards the son not realizing/seeing/understanding that being emotionally connected with the son has no practical directive application within this moment, it does not bring any physical, real support to/towards the son and also within this i am sabotaging myself to have a relationship with the son inside my head instead of physical real support and assistance.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let the opportunity go, when i saw that i could have told the daughter to not to talk in a way as being bossy to him, and in a way as if he is less, and and she is more then him and in a position to abuse him verbally,just because he is smaller and she believes that because she is older and bigger she can boss him around, to stop her in that moment and let her know that she should not talk to him like that, because she is being in that moment an example to him as to how he should be treated like and also how he must at all costs obey what is being said or done to him because he is less, or smaller, insignificant, not important. And also he is learning how to suppress what he feels,because he cannot defend himself with words, he does not have effective vocabulary.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let the aunt talk to my son in a bossy way, signifying that she also does not know how to talk to children when it comes to them doing things that are perceived to be ''bad'' ''wrong'' ''negative'', instead of me taking my responsibility and explain to her that,that is not the way to go, for she is making an example as to show him how he must obey the one's that are in a position where they can use authority with direct and immediate consequence, and in so doing forcing the child to be and become a child and later on an adult that does not question the system or the authorities for he will know that it will mean punishment, so he will walk his life in servitude and fear instead of in equality and oneness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let the son and the daughter and their aunt down by not directing myself and in this matter direct the whole situation and direct them as me.
When i see myself going into emotional reactions to/towards the son i immediately stop -- i take a deep breath and direct myself in self-honesty what needs to be said or done in order for me to not keep on feeding reactions within me, that appear within me without my directive consent. So i take my self-responsibility and take action for what is best for all without sabotaging myself and the others and having relationship with the son in my head instead of physical real communication.
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