Saturday, 14 April 2012

Day number 1, April 14, 2012. Sexual addiction

Self-forgiveness regarding my addiction to SEX.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see sex as an act of manipulation to/towards women, and in so doing accept and allow myself to engage within self-abuse and abuse to/towards others as me, by accepting and allowing sex as a physical expression to be used as a mind energetic fantasy, and within this not accepting and allowing sex to be just a physical expression of the human physical body to express itself as life here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use nice words to lulled the women into my desire to have sex with them, within which i have brainwashed myself through pictures/t.v./images/ movies/songs/books/visible examples in my life on how to talk to/deceive a women that you want/desire/like to get her as far as possible to get her into my bed or her bed, so i can have my energetic fix for what i have accepted and allowed to be within my mind as wants/needs/desires  in order to experience sex.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to engage in sex purely for the purpose of getting an orgasm, which in my mind is what sex is all about, getting to the orgasm,because without the orgasm sex means nothing to me, so within this also i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see sex as separate from me and use it as a means to reach a point of orgasm alone.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use pornography in many instances to boost my desire/wish/need/want to get this energetic fix, where i will masturbate just to experience the orgasm point, without realizing/seeing/understanding that i am within this act giving my permission for women to be exploited, abused and raped in order for me to have my energetic fix, and in so doing i am accepting and allowing abuse/rape exploitation of women for sexual purposes and sexual molestation to exist within my world.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even be denying the fact that i have a sexual addiction and brush it off as if it is not so, when i know within myself that sex is a major point within my life where i have placed to much value as to express myself, instead of directing myself in stability and confidence as how to communicate effectively, so in this matter not having to go through an enormous fight within myself to control the outcome in performing as a sex addict, wherein i completely lost myself and accepted and allowed my addiction to direct my decisions in my life and  to/towards the world at large.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only be attracted to white women specifically into my wishes/desires/needs/wants when it comes to wanting to have sexual relationships, through pictures/movies/t.v./magazines/books, because of me wanting/desire/needed/wished to fulfill my fantasies i have been building/accumulating/compounding to/towards white women.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look at asses and legs of women as a sexual object, because i have brainwashed myself to believe that if the ass and legs are somehow in my liking, and this linking is a liking that i have accepted and allowed myself to brainwash myself to exist within me as a point where i can find a woman sexually attractive or not.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find myself to be attracted to mostly young adult teenagers because of my believe that they are more sexually open and ready for new things, and in so doing find them attractive and playful, which in essence say more about me then them, because it means that i have not accepted and allowed myself to be open and ready and playful at this stage in my life, as my life is a life of ''boredom'', a life where i have come to a place where ''nothing else is moving'', a ''standing still'' and within which i accept and allow myself to try and find it in what i consider to be seen within the youth as it can reminds me of my own youth. So within all this i forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-responsible in directing my decision-making, to make sure i am stable and clear as a standing as me being here in the moment of breath and not be moved by energetics allowed within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to continuously whenever i go out and there is a woman that i find ''beautiful'' that i am ''attracted to'' that i immediately have pictures of me wanting to have sex with them within my mind, within which i am accepting and allowing self-manipulation to exist within me and also within my world at large, by looking at women as only sexual objects and not as one as equals as me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be on social networks from the starting point of maybe/possibly finding some women that may also be willing to engage into a sexual encounter with me as i wanted/wished/desired a sexual encounter with them, within which i was trying to find the so-called: '' perfect match'' to engage in my sexual fantasies. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see/believe that when a women that i find attractive talk to me nicely i interpret it immediately in my mind as if she may want to have sex with me, so i then in order to find out start to ''hit on her'' another word for manipulating her into maybe/possibly bring that linking of me a step further, which basically means; 'to have sex.'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see sex as the only way one can be truly intimate, and in this matter accept and allow myself to look for sex in order for me to experience intimacy, instead of directing and assisting myself to see/realize/understand that intimacy does not necessarily mean only sex, that it also means to be open and vulnerable to what is happening within one's mind, within one's world as to what one have accepted and allowed one to be and become in this world.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself up to the moment a woman that i like touches me, my dick gets hard immediately just because i have accepted and allowed myself to program myself at all costs to always be ready at any moment to show and let others(woman) see that i am always ready for the act of sex.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself thoughts of sexual contents to exist within my mind, where i can see myself performing during sex with one of the many pictures that i have accepted and allowed to exist within me during my lifetime within this world.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only go out, when i want to experience some sexual intercourse with a woman, meaning going out to look for a sexual partner to engage into sexual intercourse, instead of me going out and enjoying myself in the moment and not constantly looking for someone that might want to have sex as i want to have sex, within which i am abdicating my responsibility to take self-direction and within which i sabotage myself to energetic mind projections.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look at specific clothing of women, that sexually arouses me, so i can commence my thought processes that will engage me into fantasies of wanting/desiring/wishing that particular woman or young adult, and in so doing look for a point where i can find if she likes me, so i can then start to maybe/possibly get my energetic built-up to become real as in, having sex with her.



Practical correction in relation to my sexual addiction: 


I realize that i am manipulating woman into having sex with me.

I realize that i have been denying my sexual addiction.

I realize that i am looking and using sex only as a way to reach an orgasm.

I realize that by accepting and allowing myself to engage into pornography, i am accepting and allowing all the sexual abuses and atrocities to continue being here in this world.

I realize that i have a sexual attraction to and towards white woman specifically.

I realize that i let myself be directed by what i feel, what i see as what i would like, what i believe is beautiful and sexy.





Here i make an agreement with myself that: whenever i see myself going into thoughts/pictures/imaginations/wants/needs/desires/wishes/likes involving sex -- I  immediately stop -- I Breathe and i investigate where these thoughts are coming from and why they are coming into my mind and i take a direct decision in that moment to NOT accept and allow myself to deceive and sabotage myself into creating myself as a sexual addict, but instead live in/as self-responsibility here.





Thanks,


Larry Manuela