Monday, 30 April 2012

Day 17, mind trying to find some other way to replace porn i used to watch.

I, a few weeks ago i decided to stop watching porn, because i have realized that it is not what is best for all. Today i have noticed how my mind is looking for another way out. It made me go to some websites where one can participate with people who are horny and stuff, and i can hear my own backchat saying: '' this is different, because these people are all in it for real, this is no exploitation, it is what they themselves want, they are just horny people who were just like you, who want some sex action, come on you know it is perfectly fine, no problem, let us just sign in''

Now i signed in and was going into it but there was this voice telling me, reminding me and saying don't do it man, you know this is all the same shit over and over again, you have to let this shit go, you know it..!! After participating for awhile and gotten myself all worked up again i decided to delete these accounts, because it is not what is best for me nor what will be best for all, because i am still participating in supporting companies that make money out of these people who are sexually addicted if you'll ask me. And every f**** day i am having the same thoughts over and over again where i have to breathe through them, and do self-forgiveness.But there must be something i am missing, because they keep on coming. And the thought is: '' i am telling you man, you need to get you some real pussy, it must be real otherwise you are going to have this problem of trying to look for other shit to do, like a backdoor and i am not talking about some prostitute, i am talking about someone whom you can do it more then often with,every time you like.''  I am having a real relationship here with this mind of mine, it seems funny isn't it, but in reality there is nothing funny about this mess, because lots and lots of sexual abuses are happening in this world and lots and lots of people are very addicted to this sex thing, many won't even admit it and will not talk about it, or will not see it as an addiction, and the latter is where most are, in denial. and all because sex is like fun to them, they don't see their addiction as harmful to anything in this world, nor to themselves, it is all just having some fun. And i see patterns emerging now that i have stopped watching porn, i see that ladies are approaching me,but is all about this sex thing, and i see myself also liking lots of woman, it's almost like i became this popular guy, and i know that it is the mind tricking me trying to make me look for one of them for it to have it's energy fixed, but it is hiding it within the idea of it being  '' real physical sex'' because within this it can still f**** with me. It will just use the physical to play the same porn none sense to get it's fix going.

lets go to self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get sucked into my mind again with this sexual experiences.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to lulled myself in to believing and thinking that if i go on these websites where addicted real people are, that it is not porn, it is making their fantasies coming true and this then makes it all perfectly fine, that it is o.k. because they are doing it willingly and are not forced, they are real people and not movie porn-stars.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall for this mind game of trying to be real and excusing this realness of the event as making it perfectly o.k. and fine, when in reality i am busy supporting the addictive behaviours of these people and busy supporting sex being not an intimate expression but a usage as to get one fixed, which is in reality abusive towards the body. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe my backchat that is telling me that it is perfectly fine and o.k. to venture on these websites with real people, because real people are real, they are not actors, they are not porn characters that are role playing, these are people just like you in everyday life, who are wanting/desiring/wishing to have some naughty desires.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let myself find a backdoor into satisfying my own sex addiction.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see this backdoor as something totally harmless and perfectly o.k. because the people there are all people who want this out of themselves are not forced to be there and do what they do.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get horny just because the idea i had based on me finding some real addicted people like me in order to justify my cravings and desires.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat: '' this is different, because these people are all in it for real, this is no exploitation, it is what they themselves want, they are just horny people who were just like you, who want some sex action, come on you know it is perfectly fine, no problem, let us just sign in'' to exist within me as me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect this backchat: '' this is different, because these people are all in it for real, this is no exploitation, it is what they themselves want, they are just horny people who were just like you, who want some sex action, come on you know it is perfectly fine, no problem, let us just sign in'' to my sexual desires that are within me as me.


I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to take full responsibility for who and what i am in what i do, and within this abdicated my responsibility for myself and others as me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed to even have to write about this for everyone to see, when i know i have to do it, and also that i am going to have to stick to my commitments as to be later on an example for those who are now on the same path, but have not found it within them yet to see how they are harming themselves and others as them.


I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to let go of the thought that i need some ''real pussy'' in order to be more effective within this addiction i have with sex.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the word: ''pussy'' as to address a female when i could have just say need a female companion to have sex with, but had to get dirty and use dirty words as to being used to seeing women as sex objects.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself that i am now o.k. it is just normal craving for some sexual intercourse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have been building throughout my life on being this sex-addict i have become.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see my addiction in the first place as an addiction, but as something very normal, because it is something most men are all after anyways, so i am not the first one,so it is all o.k. when i knew within myself that it was not o.k. because it consumed my whole life, it was all i was thinking of and all i was spending my time perfecting, just to get more and more and more, meanwhile without realizing how i was abusing myself and supporting the abuse of others in this world trough my participation as sex-addict, within this then, supporting and assisting either directly or indirectly all the ways and forms that sex have become in this world.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see my own dick as a very vital part of my body with which i can use to manipulate women into a sexual intercourse with me so i can get my fix.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make use of my looks that i know are attractive to most women to in this use my looks as to reel them in and in this order get them to have a sexual intercourse with me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use even my ''good manners''', my ''being nice'' my '' being sweet'' my ''being polite'' parts of my character and personality as Larry to reel the women in, in order for me to get my energy fix in the form of sex.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to mold myself into specific character building where through experiences have seen that they can work in order for me to get me a woman to have a sexual experience with. 


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get myself to being skillful in finding ways to be attractive to women when it comes to manipulating them in order to get sex form them.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to from a young age onward mold/shape myself and look at how i am going to get more and more women, and in this perfecting my own strategy  as the works that will work for me in order for me to get them and without making them realize that i was just in for the sex, that they will even not see it. I will leave them with an imprint of me being a ''good man'' '' a nice man'' '' a caring man'' when in all that the real devil was hiding in disguise as the one looking for sex alone and play this whole characters as parts of my personality  perfectly, because i became them, they are me, i just abused them to get what i truly wished/wanted/desired above anything and everything which is sex.


I commit myself to stop from this day on, to fall for my addiction and when i see myself going into the fall, i stop and take a deep breath and bring myself home and make sure i don't participate and go through my resistances and breathe through them, making sure i have some physical touch going on, but not on my body any other object but not my body initially, because it will charge more memories of touching myself, so i start with touching a cup or something else but not my body now, because i am to vulnerable now, and i cannot afford to keep on falling into infinity, i must get up from that which i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become what i have created myself as/into within this world as a sex-addict which took many years of creation, so will take as many years also of deconstructing and deprogramming of the who and what i have become as a sex-addict a.k.a sex-slave.

I commit myself to walk my process of deprogramming as i owe it to the life i have been given and also to my body that i have been abusing to get my energy fix from.


I commit myself to be an example for the many out there whom are not yet ready to face their own truth regarding their sexual addiction that when they meet me here as what i have written, that it may support them in some way for them to also start walking their processes so we can all move faster in stopping the abuses we are doing to life in this world.




Thanks.




Larry Manuela




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