In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Thursday, 13 September 2012
Day 122, Me With Anger
Now today is like a fuck up day for me, first i got my ex. girlfriend on the phone, and of course she needs money for the school camping thing for my daughter and it is going to cost 86 Euro. It may not look like much for some of you, but for me this is a lot of money when you don't have it, and they want it pronto..!! They want it before the 19 of this Month which is September all paid and done.
The problem is, i already gave her 300 Euro to buy school stuff for the kids,and that was a dragging, because of this i am going to be late now with some payments.
And to make all the things even worst my fucking laptop here has broken down, the screen has broken and the fan for cooling is not working, it just broke down, and with what i am doing here, i really need to be online, and i don't have the money either to buy a new one, so i am totally fucked.
So if you guys don't hear from me for a few days, it is because my laptop is really really dead.
So today is another day, i have managed to buy an external cooling fan for the laptop for the meanwhile, but the screen part is going to be needing more work, i belief i am going to buy a special glue that can glue metal, because i have noticed that the screws holding the joints are not strong enough so it breaks all the time, so i am going to have to deal with this for now as it is now for a while till i fix it completely or get another one.
So here i am again writing a piece, since i cannot stay on my laptop long enough, it heats up a lot.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel the emotion of anger to manifest within me every time my ex. call me or message me, because she is always going to stress me about money, and it is money i don't have, and she keep on blaming me for her being in the situation she is, and also keep on insisting that i must look for ways to get the money for her, or put myself in more debts to help her, and this is something i will NOT do.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get into a little fear of my laptop being broken, and wherein i became angry and blame the system and myself for i have bought a laptop that did not even go that long and without me even being rude to it at all, because i always take good care of the things i have.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be in Anger against the world a lot, and when i say the world, i am talking about the whole of the humans that are in the so-called ''rich countries''----------------------- the ones with money, that live the ''normal'' life, including me, even that i am in money trouble to, but yet i have a job and i can still pay for my expenses, but it is really '' holding the head above water '' as the saying goes in my country.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my own anger, because i know anger is just fear,and within this the fear behind the anger is the fear of not coping well with survival and not able to support my children as i want it to.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to engage into frustration to, when i went into my thoughts and project myself into the future therein, and saw how i will be having some difficulty with being without a computer or laptop.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect anger with fear, in relation to money, and in relation to not be able to support my children as i would like to and ought to.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to link fear to money and to supporting the children, for i did not see/realize/understand that the fear of both is still just fear, it doesn't change, every fear i will ever allow within and as myself will be the same fear, only the object of/to fear can differentiate,but the fear will be the same fear for all of them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to engage in fear that turns into anger when i so happen to be in some difficult moments in relation to money.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not pay attention when my anger start to come up within me,and before i know it i am back-chatting about the anger that has risen within me. I realize that i have to stay more focus within and as my breath to not get fooled into diving within my mind as thoughts/back-chats.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself into letting myself get hooked within and as my mind as back-chats/internal conversations/thoughts regarding me lashing out in anger within my own mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand how getting in anger only perpetuate my mind participation and adds to my back-chatting.
I commit myself to make sure to focus more and more on my breathing and remind myself to breathe in awareness every time i see myself going into anger or about to go into anger TO STOP, and take a very deep breath and make sure i am holding or touching something that is physical so i can remind myself that i am here and not in my mind.
I commit myself to make sure that i little by little push myself to STOP this anger that is existent within me to/towards the system and also myself for not being effective enough, and make sure i create myself to be effective enough through my writings of self-forgiveness and my commitments to life.
I commit myself to let go off my fears little by little and move more and more into and as one with and as my breath and my human physical body to ensure i am NOT lost in the mind.
I commit myself to show that fear is but an illusion, that will never support LIFE as LIFE ever.
I commit myself to take my stand for LIFE for it is really all i have ever got that has ever supported me in all my endeavors be them ''good'' or be them ''bad.''