In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Thursday, 27 September 2012
Day 133, A Dream.
Today i woke up screaming: '' nooooooooo....!!! ''
Now this is because in my dream my son had a big chef knife and was going to jam into the right eye as i could perceive it from the angel where i was sitting, the target-point it was going to go in.
I was sitting in the yard with my little sister and my son and his nephew were romping with each other and i was telling them to STOP doing that, because romping always lead to someone hitting each other just a little to hard and then the other one will get angry and hit a little harder back and before you know it you will both be fighting blaming each other on whom was the one whom started the whole thing.
And of course in dreams events and happenings like to jump from scene very fast, it is like the dream want you get at the suspense part as fast as possible and it looks like you are leaving every part of the play at half, you don't get to see the whole play.
So i just found myself in the middle of a conversation with my sister but my eyes were on the two boys romping that i was about to stand up and go and stop them from doing that, but just a few seconds before i even got up from the chair my son had a chef knife and held it up in the air and was already more then half way as he was going to jam it as it looked, in the eyes of his nephew, and the chef knife seem to have come from no where as in the dream my son was empty handed, and suddenly he had a chef knife, the whole bullshit of the mind when one is having dreams. So anyways that was the moment i woke up screaming: '' Nooooooo..!! '' and jumped out of the chair to try and reach them before the knife enter in the eyes.
But of course in that moment is also the moment i woke up.
Now i am wondering why one always wake up right at the very moment the suspense is at it's peak. It is like you are left with a big question when you wake up, if he really did it or not and if i reached them in time or not...?? We will never know....lolll
So let us deconstruct this whole dream.
I am going to place the names of the things that seem important in the dream and try to see what will come out of this.
* my son
* my nephew
* my little sister
* yard, daytime
* chef knife(big one) too big for my son actually to be able to hold in reality, would be too heavy for him in reality, he won't be able to handle it like he did in the dream ever.
* eyes, the point where the knife was suppose to go in.
* my own fear reaction, when he held the knife up and was about to jam it in.
So, now lets have a look at what my son, my nephew and my sister mean to me, and also before i go into the deconstruction, for those who don't know about this, but in your dreams everything and everyone is YOU..!! Because people have the tendency to think/belief that the people and the things in their dreams are NOT them and are representing the people themselves they are dreaming about, but this is NOT so it is all oneself. So if my son is in my dream, this picture or image of my son in my mind in this dream is NOT my son as he is in reality at home not here with me at all, that much we can agree on, don't we...?? Because they will think/belief the dream is trying to tell them something about the people they are dreaming about and stuff like that, and as you all know you always want to give your dreams some special mysterious meaning......lollll So up to the deconstruction now.
* my son: in reality me and my son are very close even when i am not in his life every day as i would like to and he of course would like to. I know he misses me a lot and is always as when i call asking me when i am going to come and visit him, because he wants to see me and just be with me, like any child would want from their father. And my son is 6 about to be 7 years old.
* my nephew: in reality i like my nephew to and i am as close to him as i am to my son to, but he is not the one that will miss me or me missing him, but our relationship with each other is a good one, and for those whom don't know he is just 4 about to be 5 years old. My nephew and my son are the two that also have a good relationship with each other, because when they are together they always play with each other more and like the company of each other, my son don't really enjoy the company of the other nephew i have that is older then my son whom is also a child from my little sister. It is like they always end up in discussions and arguments. So my son and my little nephew are the ones playing together most of the time when i am at my sister's house.
* my little sister: my little sister, when it comes to children i see someone whom is very good at organizing fun stuff to do with the kids, but her only weak point is that she have studied a little about how to handle with children and she is applying those things by the book so to speak but they are not really working, but she keep on believing that they work, and she feels offended when one talks about it and try to tell her to maybe she can try another way, but she won't because she beliefs her way IS the way, she is stubborn. So all this is what is existent within myself as myself, it is all me, and not my sister, can you see this..??
* Chef-knife: this kind of knife is handy for chef work around the kitchen and are mostly if it is a good one, a heavy knife of good quality, and as usual, knifes are things that we use to cut things with. And for myself i like chef knifes because when i have to cut vegetables and meat, i like using this kind of knife, because it cuts better. So the bottom line here is that knife is a symbol of cutting things either in half or into more little pieces, so it is in a sense a divider.
* yard: my experience with yard is that it is a open space in the back from ones home mostly where one can do little gardening and stuff and can also be a playground for children, and just a nice place to sit and have a good time with each other, have some BBQ and stuff, so this yard is symbolizing a get together place for families and friends.
* eyes: this is what we use to see with of course and in my dream it looked like my son was about to jam the knife in the right eye of my nephew. And the word: '' right'' come to the forefront here, meaning in this sense, to look at the things the right way, or ability to see rightly.
* chair: is what we use to sit in comfortably for support. So within this dream the chair represent and symbolizes support.
* romping: this is when children can also so be stupid adults play fight games. so in this dream i was expecting a fight to come out of this, because as i told them, it becomes in the end almost always a fight, a real one. So romping in this dream represents fight.
* fear reaction: This speaks for itself already, because out of the dream i really got to experience the fear, so the feeling of the emotion as fear was the only thing in the whole dream that was experienced at a physical level real, with other words, my mind fucked me up by killing a few little parts of my body to transform it into an emotion as energy.
So what does this dream tell me about myself..??
* That i am too close to people meaning i still trust people/persons when this is not something that one should be aiming for as long as someone is not willing to walk the talk as to bring about a world that is BEST for all LIFE.
* I enjoy company of people i trust or are close to me.
* I am stubborn.
* I am cutting things in half or little pieces, meaning i don't go full out, and i am looking at things in division/separation/polarity.
* family and friends are important to me, but i am not giving it attention.
* I see things the right way, which is in reality not THE right way, since the knife was about to be jammed in the right eye, meaning: the right way is what is BEST for all LIFE and NOT the right way as in right and wrong as polarity and opposites.
* I am fighting through my own process here, which it should NOT be so, i should be gliding through it, but i am making it a fight, so fighting with myself, with other words holding back, instead of going full out as it should.
* and of course the fear that exists to do the right thing, which is what is BEST for all LIFE, so i fear doing what is BEST for all life which i use to sabotage myself and divide myself into difficulty within myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind continue running when i am resting, where even then it tries and get more energy to continue it's existence within me as me. I realize within my dream that i forgot to remind myself to BREATHE. So i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to forget to BREATHE in my dream.
I commit myself to even when i am dreaming to remind myself within my dream to BREATHE, and i hereby place my statement as the living word as i speak it as i am writing to remind myself to BREATHE when i am dreaming and to NOT STOP until the dream STOPS, which means my mind STOPS.