In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Tuesday, 7 August 2012
Day 103, The Feeling Of Staying In Hotels
Today as i was cycling back home from work i noticed an interesting thing within me. There is a Hotel just next to my working place, and this hotel happen to be the same brand of hotel that, when i came to this country to study i stayed in for 2 days, before moving into another hotel in the state where i would be conducting my studies.
For me this was my first time away from home, and i mean really away from home, where i will be alone,on myself in a foreign country with people that don't speak the language i speak, neither do they have the same way of living as where i come from. To me this was not such a scary thing, because i am adventurous in nature...lol By the way now that i am writing this i realize that my adventurous nature comes out of movies and stories told from the old people in my country....Old people in my country and specifically from my family side were mostly ship builders and seamen, so one can imagine the stories....loll
So back to the story at hand here, so i was cycling pass this hotel and i always go back into memories where i loose myself in the feeling i had when i was in the hotel and i was looking out of the window of the hotel and was thinking to myself: '' here you are now, far far away from home, are you ready ''
In my memories i can even smell the hotel, and smell how it smelled outside to, because it was a little cold that day when we arrived, and for my luck i was alone in my room, because the other person whom was supposed to be staying with me in the room, got picked up by his family so he didn't have to stay in the hotel with the rest of the students. I could bring back the memory of how quiet it was in that hotel room,and that was so great and yet strange------ that quietness, because where i come from even when it is quiet inside you will hear the sound of nature outside which is another way of quietness, the natural quiet way...loll There will always be an animal or a few animals that will make some nature sound, so the quietness i went through in that hotel room was one that i never went through in my life before, it was my first experience of feeling totally isolated from reality in a sense. And i noticed that the people here like this kind of quietness, which seem strange to me, to them the sound of nature will be NOISE, because they got used to this unnatural quiet way of living. And you don't want to know how fucked-up some people can get here when they get disturbed so to speak in their isolation, that every sound will be considered NOISE....lolll..... I do understand why, it derives from the way life is being lived here, everything is fast fast fast.........people live their lives as if they are always LATE somehow. Have you noticed when someone is late, how they suddenly start to move themselves faster and in that movement you also see the stress and fear in their faces...?? Well that is the kind of fast living that is here in this country. Now i understand all of this the moment i studied the people here, because that is what i like to do to, look at how people behave and go about their days. So when they get home, they want to isolate themselves of the life outside which is nothing but waging as slaves to then use the wage of slavery to buy consumer goods that are brainwashed into people that they HAVE TO HAVE THEM..!!
When i was living in my country and the tourists from other countries, especially from the countries where life is being lived in a hurry----- will come to our country, we will just sit watch them and laugh at them, because they will always in the beginning of their stay be in a hurry, when in my country things move slow, very slow, and they have to get use to that first, and it just looks funny in a way.....loll
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself into the memory of my first stay for life in another country away from where i come from that happens to be far away from this country where i live in now.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as an adventurous character out of the movies and stories i have seen and heard on television and the old adventurous people in my country and my family specifically. Hence within this i realize that my adventurous character was created from what i myself have accepted and allowed to be inputted into me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put into myself information as pictures and stories and hence create a character with them, and then try and live this character out in the real world believing it to be the whom i am, when all the time it is/was just a character acting on the stage in my mind as the theater.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the memory of me experiencing my first time in the hotel room, and how it felt to be all alone in a sense and how it felt to hear no sound coming from the outside, as in the sound of nature.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even be carried away in my memories just because i see the name of the hotel, and the name carries the memories with it in my mind. I realize that this memory is always coming to me in situations when i liked being in the experience of not knowing what will come next and all seem like a great adventure. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take life as an adventure and not serious enough to ever bring a real change into this world, to what i can see is happening in this world,instead i have chosen to create myself as an adventurous character, that looks at life as an adventure, and this adventure is a veil, to NOT take the self-responsibility to sort the shit that is here out. So within this i realize that my adventurous character is nothing but my fear of taking my self-responsibility for what is HERE, to bring an actual/factual/physical/practical/real change to this reality i find myself in and of.
Now for a moment here, let me see why it is i am using this adventurous character now, every time i pass by this hotel, why do i keep on having this memory of wanting to be adventurous as i use to be in the past..?? I realize within myself that it is because i fear my own change, fear that the decision i have made to stand for LIFE, will lead me to face real adventures, not imagined or planned. Within my own adventurous character i tricked myself into the greatest adventure ever, to get together with some group of ordinary individuals that are real adventurous each to bring about a world that will truly be a world that is BEST for all LIFE.
Within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall within and for my false adventurous character in my mind and did not ever look at the real character that is my human physical body, and how this physical body will move within the real adventure to sort the shit out that is here abusing what the body consists of and exists as.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be emotional in this moment of writing this piece, because i realized how i have NOT taken consideration ever with the character that is HERE for real as my human physical body, and always went for the false character(s) in my mind that never ever will understand the real character,because the false character(s) are all just functioning as parasitic plaques within this real character, that is my human physical body, their soul purpose to exist within and as the human physical body is one of a parasitic nature.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief that because i had ventured on this self-created parasitic adventurous character made me feel as i am in control of the situations, when i don't even know what will happen to me in the next moment(s).
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to conduct myself into a behavior that will suit this adventurous character that is false and in this, live a false adventurous life, and the real adventure as in creating myself as life all the time is absent now from me, because i am NOT one and equal with and as LIFE as i am now in this moment, i am just a character in a mind that is using the key as in self-forgiveness to open the door of the prison as my mind that was never really locked, it was always open in each breath, so in one breath i will move out of this prison that i created myself into. Self-forgiveness to remove all the bricks of the prison wall, and breathing to make sure i don't built another wall.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the name of the hotel to start my memory process to kick in,and hence bring all the memories related to staying in hotel rooms and feeling all adventurous about it, within this i try to remove myself away from my breathing and my being HERE as one as equal as my breath and my human physical body.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to bring the memory of staying in a hotel to remove me from being here in breath and as one as equal within and as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how in letting myself get carry away within this memory empowers my ego with some more energy and a longer stay.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the feeling of staying in hotels with being adventurous and being free. Within this i realize the fear of being adventurous now HERE within my writing, which is the fear of freedom,because within this DOMain i am living in Nothing is FREE, so FREEDOM is a scary thing, for it was never lived HERE on this planet, it is just a nice ideal in the minds of men, which i happen to be one of them. What men have created is NOT our of freedom and to free, it is to enslave and be enslaved. Men have not yet live to GIVE as the earth is giving,men does not even see in giving as the real power of LIFE, because all men know is to TAKE, hence our system we created where we exist in and of is one of TAKING, when what is taken is a GIVEN. So instead of continuing with the GIVING, we have decided to go another way away from LIFE, where we will TAKE and TAKE and TAKE and TAKE............till there is nothing more to TAKE.
I commit myself to show that an adventurous person in reality is just one that hiding and is afraid to take his/her self-responsibility to what is happening HERE in this world, in this reality,and that this adventurous character is just a decoy for the fear of bringing about real freedom within this world.
I commit myself to show that the only adventure that is valid, is the adventure to create together in each moment a world that is BEST for all LIFE.
I commit myself to little by little delete this adventurous character in my mind, for it does NOT support LIFE in anyways whatsoever, it's only purpose is to abuse LIFE.
I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into this adventurous character or about to go into it, to STOP----- and take many deep breaths till nothing moves within me, and make sure to also touch something that is physically here, to remind me that i am HERE.