In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Thursday, 16 August 2012
Day 110, Why Not A Girlfriend..??
I am being asked at work by a colleague most of the times, why it is that i don't have a girlfriend yet, that it has already been more then 2 and half years and i still haven't got a girlfriend and that she doesn't see anything wrong with me, because she finds i look good/handsome and i am a kind man.
I told her already and every time she asks me that, that the thing is; 'i am not the kind of man i used to be, and i am not interesting in the ways of finding a partner and for the reason people so-called: '' fall in love'' with each other. I am getting away from all that,from selfishness and egotistical behaviors, and pursuit of happiness which is none other then.....??? ''SELFISHNESS''
And no, what is to be considered ''normal'' as in system normality woman in this world right now will be interested in a man that is busy with transforming himself to be/become that which is BEST for all LIFE. I am moving out of the world of feelings and emotions and thoughts, so to go and deliberately try and hit on a woman, in another word '' manipulate'' them in order to get into a relationship to experience SEX and happiness for as long as it lasts, i am not interested in that. But i must also admit that i do find some woman attractive, but yet i just be myself as i am now in transformation and what happens, happens, but i am not going to try and hit on them in order to get them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react a little when i am being asked why it is i am not in a relationship with a woman yet, just because within myself i see that i fear what they assume is the reason why i am not in a relationship with any woman as is of right now. I Realize that i assume that they might be thinking that there must be something wrong with me. So within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to assume that people might be thinking that there is something wrong with me, and that this is the reason i am not in a relationship with a woman yet.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief that maybe it will be better i would go out and try and find me some woman, because i see that there is still this desire existent within me as me. Sow within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire being in a relationship with a woman and desired looking for one to be in a relationship with.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to wish i was in a relationship but mostly pure for the sake of experiencing SEX with a woman, and not so much for really wanting to be with someone, because i still see that my sexual desires are bigger then living with someone just to be with someone as in a relationship. Thus i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only wish/desire to have SEX with a woman.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be tempted by my own desires pure for the sake of SEX, imagining putting myself available by going out and maybe find some woman whom might be interested in just that one thing, which is just plane SEX.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/belief that just because i am alone and people say to me that i need to be with someone makes me want to go out and look for a girlfriend, to show them somehow that i can get one and also and mostly so i can have my desire being fulfilled.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief that maybe finding a girlfriend is a medicine for not being alone, when with or without a girlfriend i will still have to face myself as my thoughts/feelings/emotions.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that what i have to actually do, thus the actual applying have to be done by myself so it won't matter if i am with or without someone, and especially if i get to be with someone where what i am busy with in terms of process will not be something they will be very much in agreement with, because it is getting out of character and getting out of character will mean that i will and cannot let them be in character, thus disagreement will exist.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall in the desire for getting a girlfriend, when within this it is me as the character of wanting and desiring a girlfriend that is playing it's role within my mind as the stage, where all i will then be in that relationship is just a character playing out it's character role and assisting and supporting the girlfriend then in playing out her character that will be wanting to be with a guy in a relationship to be happy with and have sex and maybe even have kids and who knows what else.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by others as their opinionated character(s), without seeing/realizing/understanding that their opinions about what they think/belief and assume about me are NOT what is really going on within me or is whom i am for real.
I commit myself to to whenever i see myself going into reaction or about to go into reaction within me when i am being asked why i am still without a girlfriend, to STOP myself and take many deep breaths as possible and make sure i remain here and not loose myself within my mind with it's reactions as emotions.
I commit myself to whenever i see myself walking myself into moments of desires within me for wanting/wishing a girlfriend to STOP myself and breathe deeply and stabilize myself HERE and make sure i am touching something that is physical so i remind myself that i am here, and not there within my mind.
I commit myself to show that relationships in this world as they exist right now are purely based on character support of each individual and not on each assisting and supporting each to be/become the BEST human they can ever be, as the real physical being of Earth.
I commit myself to STOP myself thinking about wanting/desiring to be with a girlfriend just of wanting and desiring SEX, through my writing of self-forgiveness, and my commitments to LIFE, and make sure i BREATHE through all my moments of weaknesses.