In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Monday, 13 August 2012
Day 107, When I Am Alone.
Most of my life, i considered it to be me being by myself. With this i mean, i was not a social being, didn't like to interact with people, because when i studied them from afar or close i could see, that they are not to be trusted, because of the gossiping about other people,and when they are in the presence of the people they were gossiping about they will put a happy face and act as if they like them or they agree with them or as if they accept them in their midst, when all of it is a lie.
So when i saw that as a kid, i started to avoid people in general, because i couldn't trust them, because i could never know if they really liked me, accepted me or agreed with me,because they are false, they are all pretenders. It is not like i was afraid to talk to people, but i just better not get to much involved, be very superficial so they don't get close,because i couldn't trust them. So hence one can say i lived a long life of back-chatting my life away, because i am most of the times alone in my mind as everyone else, but also alone in the physical, and had no problem with it at all, it even ''felt'' more comfortable then spending time with people talking about random shit of any importance and relevance at all and gossiping about other people. So that is why some friends i have are friends whom were also questioning the way we live and how it comes that our lives are so boring, so limited, no freedom at all to really set forth and explore LIFE and everything on earth. Because to make any move on this earth, you have got to have money, no money, no movement, no exploration possible, as it currently exist now.
So here we are living a very limited and boring life, because all we do is comply to a broken system that enslaves us and have not any intention ever at all to free us, because the current system is a system that needs slaves in it for it to function, no slave, no system.So it was designed to make sure that the majority is always enslaved within it. All the laws/rules/regulations that are presented within it, are also designed to make sure no-one gets out of it, because they will be punished if they dare want to put another system that really free people and everything else.
Have you seen the reality shows from people whom have money..?? When i had a look at these people i saw a very limited boring life, like there is nothing to do, the only thing different about their lives is, that they have the money to do what they want and go where they want to go whenever they want to, because they have the money to do so. But apart from that,their lives are as boring as it is for everyone else, because even with the money, you still have limitations, and when you have played with all the toys that one can buy with money, it very much settles it. Then their lives become a life of shopping for shit all the time,and going partying all the time intoxicating themselves and drugging themselves as what they will consider having a good time. And when they do travel and visit places it is to do the same shit again, partying and shopping and drugging themselves up. So boring..!!! Of course they visit other countries where one have old statues and building like they are such great a thing, when it is just a building standing there dead. I could never understood what people saw in looking at old churches and buildings, i will prefer to look at something that is alive, like a big tree or anything that is to do with nature, but to go into a city to watch some old buildings, is a total waste of time to me, it can also be new buildings, it doesn't matter, i don't see nothing great in looking at a building. If someone is an architect i can understand then that you are looking at it with different eyes, but to just look at it because it is old or has some shape that you would like, i don't see nothing in that, i would rather look at caves....lolll Just look at it, travel half of the world to then just have look at an old building, like going to France to look at the Eifel-tower, by this you will miss the rest of the country and the people living there and how the nature of the country is and the rest of it. But you do have these people that will go to France to see the Eifel-tower and of course the city, like it is a great thing, when in reality it's just nothing as so great as they are portraying it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge people on their behaviors and hence make sure that i am not involved with dealing with people all the time, that i always position myself into the background in order to not have to deal with people whom are clearly actors/role-playing/pretenders.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see, that i was only looking at my own self-judgement when looking at other people without seeing/realizing/understanding not getting to know someone intimately one can never truly know them, and can not instead ones judgements about the person, because it will be assumptions based on memories as beliefs.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to within me being all alone with myself created a character within my mind that i will use to keep me occupied in my mind instead of me being here in/as my breath and as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to mislead myself into believing that being alone is a great way to find out what is going on, when in truth i am then not involved with all that i have accepted and allowed to be here, and can then offer no solution.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that in being alone is just another character i created in order to NOT face the reality that is here, i can go into my mind and think all the possible scenario's of how to solve the problems but in reality i am just playing a character in my mind who thinks he is a hero that can help humanity.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief/think that by being alone i was safe and not have to face consequences when i know that the moment i am out the consequences are all HERE.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately choose to be alone because of not wanting to be the one that show people their lies they lie to others and themselves, because i know what kind of consequences can derived by for real saying it as it is. So within this i can do 2 things, let them be till they find out on their own or make them face each other to get the shit sorted out.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see how me trying to all alone is just because of the fear of not confronting and facing what it is that i know to be NOT what is true within what i see within people and myself as what i belief within myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief that i can harness some knowledge by being all alone and prepare myself by gathering information and knowledge about certain things happening within this world,when in reality it will be just information and knowledge nothing that i can really be effective enough with to for real bring about some real changes in the world outside. I realize that this is just filling myself with information that have no effective effect on the world outside the confines of my own home and the prison i find myself within and as, as my mind.
I commit myself to STOP having tendencies of wanting to be alone, because in my aloneness i belief i can manage to coin up great ideas and plans, when i am just doing that in my mind, it is not being implemented for any effective purposes indeed.
I commit myself to show that being alone in the mind having back-chats about how to solve the problems in this world are not solving anything practically at all for real.
I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into trying to look for moments to be alone so i can back-chat my way out of breath,to STOP and take many deep breaths till i am stable within myself within and as my breath.
I commit myself to STOP all judgements that come up within me about other people, because the judgements can only exist because of me accepting and allowing them to be part of me within and as me, thus all judgements are in reality self-judgements.