Thursday, 23 August 2012

Day 114, Nowhere To Run.






I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look within me to find a way to run from my own thoughts and feelings without realizing that this was causing more and more back-chat.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to confirm/validate my own back-chatting with my own back-chatting.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand how within this thinking process i am sealing my own imprisonment with the prison guards as THOUGHTS.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT trust my own breath in every moment and due to this loose myself within my own thoughts, when i KNOW that only in my breath can i be REAL trust, and walk REAL trust, because in breath i am HERE, it is HERE-time.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief that i can even run within myself away from my own self-allowed thoughts by back-chatting about them within my own mind,enslaving myself within my own self-created illusions as my characters within my mind.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see/realize/understand that by back-chatting myself into oblivion i was and am missing myself HERE within and as my breath and my human physical body.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use sexual thoughts as fantasies to get me started on my way to try and get out of the commitment to LIFE and out of my of my focus of me as my breath.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that thoughts about sex are the thoughts that i use to get me out of focus of my breath, and back into my thoughts and back-chats. Thus within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use sex-thoughts to get me out o focus compromising my own process slowing down my process.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use back-chat of thoughts of my children, especially my son, because i know he is very attached to me, and is missing me and when i think about him, i get emotional because i cannot do anything about it due to my relationship i have got with money, meaning that my money is not enough to go and visit them whenever i would like to. Thus by this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the emotion to/towards my son to exist within me as me to get me out of focus within/as my breathing.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NEVER saw/realized/understood how i used a word like '' to run'' that is in reality a physical function/movement in fact to address my hiding within and as my own mind through the characters within my own mind. I realize that '' to run'' for real is a function of my physical body, so the running in my mind will never be or can be the real running for it is NOT. Within this i realize that my characters as myself within my mind for what i have accepted and allowed myself to be/become in this world are addicted to physical functions and want and desire to copy them as making them theirs when in truth the physical real functions are physical and NOT energy as the characters are within and as my mind.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even consider that such thing as running away within my mind can actually be achieved, as if it is a very serious thing, when all along it is just a complete mind-fuck. In this i mean to really go as far as to use a physical function as an example and take it very serious as if i can do that within my mind for real, is beyond insanity.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use a physical function as in running and copy that within my mind to give to one or more of my characters to play with, will always show me within myself, that i am just making out of what is REAL a movie within my own mind and that i can never achieve what i really want to do in my mind, which is to hide from my own thoughts, try to suppress them, because they are of what i have accepted and allowed myself to be/become in this world.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look for ways within that which i cannot trust within myself and that i don't even know how i am creating them within myself and how they are existing within myself as THOUGHTS and then to rely on these for finding out things, because i will never find anything as these, because they are within me the very thing itself that is questioning themselves, within this i realize that it is futile to question with thoughts as thoughts are just the end product and i still have to get to the producer of this end product as thoughts.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that real physical movement requires just physical movement and does not require energy movement for it to move, but energy on it's part does require the physical in order for it to move, it depends on energy for it to move. I realize this when i look at my own thoughts/feelings/emotions, which are energy and how they are dependent on the physical in order for them to move within me as what they consist of and exist as within/as me. Thus i realize for example that if i cry, the cry itself can only happen on a physical level, it is physical, but the experience of the crying within me as the thing i am crying about is dependent on the physical to cry, so it can experience it and then i can call the experience: '' me being emotional '' thus the actuality of the cry is physical and the interpretation of the experience within me as my mind is the emotion,which is heavily addicted to this body going through cry.



I commit myself to STOP myself in letting myself go into back-chatting trying to cheat myself out of my breathing and my focus within/as it so i can remain just HERE.


I commit myself to STOP confirming/validating my own back-chats with back-chats within which i just continue creating more back-chats within myself, instead of me being just here breathing.


I commit myself to show that believing in my mind as characters that they can run in fact is beyond insanity for no character in the mind will ever run for real, because real running only the body itself can do that, and that one really really realize this simple realization one can see how one is trusting ones own mind delusions.


I commit myself to little by little STOP myself into participating in my mind-fucks as they create more and more back-chats that lead to nowhere, when in reality the only abode is right HERE.


I commit myself to when i see myself going into or trying to use my thoughts in order to question  things, to STOP-----------------breathe and make sure to continue till there is no movement within me as me and make sure within this whole process to touch something that is physically HERE, to remind me that i am HERE.


I commit myself to remind myself through my common sense reasoning that a thought is just a thought and no matter what characters i create within my mind they can never ever be REAL as the REAL character of this reality which is my human physical body.


I commit myself to show myself through common sense reasoning that no matter how much i use the example within my mind that i have '' nowhere to run''  as in ''nowhere to hide,'' i am attributing to physical functions to use as examples within my mind and that that is as far as they can go, and can NEVER become the actuality of what is implied in physical terms and physical movement: '' nowhere to run'' and  '' nowhere to hide. ''


Thanks.


Larry Manuela


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