In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
Day 108, When I Lost Myself.
This is really funny, but yet it is also not that funny for me.
I am working this week from 14:00 to 22:00. This is what happened. Before i continue, i have to write about this, but it is going to be a small thing.
I went to bed yesterday around 00:00, and i was planning to wake up around 03:00 in the morning, because of writing in my blog, usually when i reach home at 22:30, then i take a shower and then i prepare dinner and eat, so by the time i am finished it's like 23:30. So i was so tired. I always have a problem with this shift, oh for those who don't know, i work in 3 shifts.(06:00 to 14:00-------14:00 to 22:00---------and 22:00 to 06:00.) Till up now i almost every time i am in this shift i seem to miss one day of my writing, the first day which is Monday, because i write usually at night and then i have to shift writing in to another hour of the day, because of work, with the 2 others i can still write in the evenings, but this one i can't anymore, or i can, but it is tight, depending how tired i reach home,and if i had to work hard at work. Because sometimes especially when there are lots of orders at work i have to help the guy that is doing the handling job at work to, beside my own work of working on the machine, so i have to do 2 things, and this make one busy the whole time, and i mean busy like BUSY. And it is heavy work, physically heavy work. So especially on Monday the first day, i get home really tired, physically tired.
So anyway, i went to bed yesterday round about 00:00 hours, and i put my alarm on my phone, what i usually do, but i didn't hear my alarm go off at all, and i woke up round about 06:30 in the morning. Now here is the funny thing. I really really thought that is was 06:30 in the evening. And i looked at my clock at the wall, and i couldn't belief it. And said to myself:'' What The Fuck, how the fuck could i have slept so longggggg..??'' Because it was a little dark outside to, when i woke up, and i mean i really really thought it was in the evening. And then i remember that i needed to go to work, and i said to myself; 'fuck, what am i going to tell my supervisor now..?? ' And i really really was confused,like i didn't know what day it was, because with this working in shift bullshit here, one gets confused sometimes,because one does not have the same sleeping hours and such, because sometimes you wake up in another day and sometimes you wake up in the same day. So i jumped up on my bed and i decided that i have to call at work to tell my supervisor exactly what happened thus that i overslept myself over here. When i called i got the other supervisor on the phone, and then i was a little quiet for a while, and then i asked him: '' wait, you on the phone...?? what time is it..?? what day is it, i am really confused right now, because the moment i heard his voice i already thought something is wrong, but yet in my mind it was another day,and it is another day, but not in the evening. So it took me a while and then i was back again here, and he was laughing and he also asked me, if i took some medicine or something, with ''something he probably meant; 'drugs,' i said no, i don't do drugs man, but then he started to laugh and me to. But i really really lost track of time here. The only FEAR i went through was the fear of me being TOO late to reach work, and i had to call in and tell them why i would not be coming in today, when all of it was just not so. This happened 1 time already with me, that i thought it was another day, and i called at work to but at the time i had a meeting, and i was late for that meeting. Very late, but that was in another shift.
So there you have it, something that happened to me today that i couldn't let it pass without writing about it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself into sleeping,and waking up in my mind where my mind was confused with the day and time, because i realize that only in my mind such thing as time and what day it is, is important but to my body it is just moments of time, like morning and evening and that is it. So i have in reality moments in the evening and moments in the mornings, or better said daylight and nights.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let a system exist where such thing as dates seem important and that if i miss dates i am lost, when in reality i cannot ever get lost if i am HERE all the time, all the moments of breath.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get scared because i lost myself in my thought, and believing i am late somehow, and being late is not a ''good'' thing in this system especially related to work, one can loose ones job by being late in the system.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even had the tendency to lie, when i thought i was late, just because i didn't want to face the consequences of having to hear that i don't have to come anymore,because i am late. So i realize the system promotes punishment and responsibility, although there are talks about responsibility within the system, but it doesn't implement responsibility, because it will punish those whom does not comply by the rules of the system.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be scared when i found out that i forgot what day and time it was and was so-called: ''lost'' because to me this could also mean, that i am loosing my mind, and i am scared to ''loose my mind'' that it can be Alzheimer kicking in at an early stage. Within this i realize how much i am in my mind and belief that i am my mind,and loosing my mind itself says a lot, because it means that i am in separation with and as my own mind, because how could loose something that i am..?
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to loose my mind, because ''loosing my mind'' would mean to me, that i cannot function anymore in this world, hence unable to survive and make a living in the system.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief that it is my mind that makes my body function, when it is in reality my mind depending on the functioning of the body, so if my body is functioning not well, my mind will loose it's capacity to run it's program, thus it becomes scared of loosing it's programming. and it's programming is the memories in the un/sub-conscious level of the mind that will surface as thoughts in the conscious level of the mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief that such thing as being late can exist, because there is in reality no such thing as ''being late,'' being late can only be part of a system, because if i am HERE always i can never be late in being one and equal as HERE, being just HERE. So i realize the fear of being late is the trap of making me stay within and as my mind.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that as long as i don't change the system to a system of real responsibility, where i am just doing responsible work that truly support LIFE i will always fear being late, because i will be doing responsible job that is systematic in survival of the fittest and where competition is imminent all the time. So within this i realize that real responsibility lies in Supporting LIFE,and within this lies also the naturalness of responsibility, because supporting LIFE is living as LIFE, as giving back to LIFE what LIFE give to me, so responsibility is a given not a forceful thing as it is NOW within this system of abuse that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let a system exist where my responsibility and everyone else their responsibilities lies in forcefulness and not in natural movement of/as the breath of LIFE, right HERE, where responsibility is the WHOM I AM as LIFE right HERE, the EXPRESSION of me as LIFE one and equal, where i am giving LIFE to LIFE as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect time to something like lateness, or being late--------- when time itself have nothing to do with lateness or being late, it is just a measurement for what one does in specific moments of events/movements. So within this i realize that ''lateness'' and ''being late'' is the fear that i have placed within me in order for me to NOT use time to get myself HERE, so being late within my mind will always present itself as FEAR, for that is what it is.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use ''lateness'' and ''being late'' as fear to exist within me as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use this ''lateness'' and ''being late'' as fear to rule over my own decision making/directive principle, where i will fall pray to my own mind.
I commit myself to STOP myself in making myself fearful when i loose track of time as it is within the system, because it only means that i did not comply to the program that my mind was to run during that specific day or time, but yet i was and am HERE, i did not NOT exist or die because i missed time.
I commit myself to show that fear exists in many forms, but yet it is always just the same thing which is: '' FEAR !! ''
I commit myself to train my body for a while to get use to this shift way of living that i am in now till i get a way of getting out of it.
I commit myself to make sure that every time before i go into fear, to take many deep breaths till i am stable and to see what is HERE, because i have realized that when i was busy in fear, i did not notice the time on my phone that it was showing me that it is day time, because the time on my phone is set to 24 hours marking, so if it was 6 o'clock in the evening it will mark 1800 hours and not 0600 hours.
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