In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Friday, 31 August 2012
Day 119, Uneasiness Around People.
With this title i mean, that when i am at work or anywhere else, i get this feeling of uneasiness within me, when i can clearly see that there are people that don't like each other and are talking very rudely with each other or are avoiding each other, putting a face of: '' don't fuck with me'' when they pass each other by. Trying to make sure that the one they don't like is abused more by themselves or others when they have a chance for doing so, and are always very happy when something ''bad'' happen to the one day don't like.
Now when i am in these kind of situations i get very uneasy, and very uncomfortable within myself, like i don't know what to do and what to say, because it is so obvious and it ''hurts'' so to speak, i hate it when i have to be in the presence of people that don't like each other.
And sometimes they will ask you something to get you involved as in looking for ways to find more people to agree with their madness against each other,and when they do this, then if you participate you are going to be the one fucked, because if you choose the side of one of them, the other is going to hate you for choosing the side of the other one, even if one of them could be right. So it is better to not get involved at all, or when you do, make sure to show both their deceptions.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in a world where people can hate each other and look for ways and means to cancel each other out in whatever form, and this sometimes lead to extreme forms of measurements where one can even be killed by the other.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself when i am around people that clearly show with their body language and fake smile and angry eyes, that they don't like each other or disagree with each other.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed within myself for people that are around me and that they don't like each other, because within myself i cannot handle being false with people i don't like, i will sort it out immediately, because it will bother me, so i will take it out and confront them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel so uneasy that i don't know what to do or what to say, because inside of me there is like this rage that is going on, that is like a mixture of emotions of anger/guilt/shame/sadness.......all of this goes on within me when i am around people who clearly don't like each other.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes make a happy face, because i don't know how to deal with the discomfort that i experience inside of myself, that is like a rush of mixture of various emotions running a mock within me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel a sense of hate to/towards people that don't like each other,just because through their behavior i feel uncomfortable within myself. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be even selfish within the disliking of other people with each other, where i will look only within myself how their behavior affect me instead of looking at what is BEST for all LIFE, for them and me in this case.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT be directive and effective enough due to me fearing if they will like me or not after i will say it as it is to them, and tell them to fuck off and go sort their shit out with each other once and for all. I realize that because of this fear i take it to calm and try to be a nice guy and soft.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the back-chat: '' i wish you guys could just confront each other and get it over and done with this shit,'' to exist within me as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of me lashing out in anger at them in a split second.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify their behaviour with a happy face, in order to try and make the situation feel more comfortable without seeing/realizing/understanding that the ''feel more comfortable'' will only apply to myself, because i am the one feeling the discomfort of their behavior, and not them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to interpret myself as always happen to be finding myself right in the middle of people that don't like each other and always will look for a person to choose their side, and i will get to hear of both sides, something i don't like to hear at all or find myself in the middle of.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to always have the back-chat: '' why do you guys always choose me to tell your disgusting hatred and dislike about each other to me,just go and confront each other and get it over with once and for all,'' to exist within me as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/belief that i can be affected by the vibe the people are so-called; 'sending,' when in reality it is just me perceiving and interpreting their behaviour in that way. I am the one that decides to have reactions and emotions within me about their behavior with each other.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find myself in situations like that,because i have decided to place myself around people as someone whom listen to people and give advices, so that is why they always come to me with their shit, because they think/belief i can help them out, when in reality i am tired of people coming with their shit to me and not wanting to take their own responsibility. Within this i realize that they want me to take the responsibility that they themselves are afraid to take. So within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as an adviser forgetting to advise the ones that come to me, that they should take their own self-responsibility and only in that i can advise them if it is not clear how to do that.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that i was offering myself as a point of escape to them when i am an adviser to them, instead of dealing with them in making them realize that the responsibility lies within and as them to sort their own shits out for themselves, and that is the only assistance and support i can give them, because coming for advise is not really what will solve their problem, it can only be solved when it is faced and forgiven and let go off.
I commit myself to only advise people that come to me for advise on how to be self-responsible as i am self-responsible for myself and how i interact and treat others as myself, to make sure there is no consequences that i will regret in the future for myself or others as myself.
I commit myself through my writing of self-forgiveness and my commitments to LIFE to STOP myself into going into reactions when in presence of others, and make sure that i breathe, whenever i see myself going into or about to go into reactions/justifications/emotions/thoughts/back-chats.
I commit myself to STOP myself whenever i see myself going into anger to/towards others as me, for i know and see/realize/understand that this only affect myself in abusing my own body in creating more energy within myself to feed my mind.
I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into reactions of uneasiness and discomfort to STOP and BREATHE and make sure i am touching something that is physically HERE, so i don't loose myself within my mind.
I commit myself to STOP myself of putting a happy face when i am in the presence of people that clearly don't like each other and are acting all fake with each other and just BREATHE and make sure nothing moves within me so i don't create consequences for myself within myself for myself and then affect others with it through me.
I commit myself to STOP myself whenever i see myself going or about to go through interpretations/perceptions of what i assume they might be going through as i feel this within me when i see their behaviour to/towards each other.
I commit myself to STOP myself to somehow giving the wrong impression that i might choose their side of the story, and is the reason why they come to me,looking to validate why they should hate or dislike each other and is like looking for approval, when i don't approve none of them, before i don't like people not liking each other at all, i don't accept it.
I commit myself to be more direct and tell it as it is, because i am being to soft on them, instead of being direct and effective due to the fear that exist within me for not being liked anymore afterwards.
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