In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Thursday, 2 August 2012
Day 99, Me As A Parent.
Now i have 2 children, a boy and a girl. The girl is 12 years old and the boy is going to be 7 soon. As things turned out to be, i am NOT in their lives constantly and consistently enough as to be there and walk with them hand in hand step by step as i am walking myself here in correcting myself.
Did i wish for my children..?? how can i change it..??
You see, since everything is depending on fucking money i am lost as a parent for them, because of this money problem that is making me unable to be with them as i would have liked it, so i can be the example for them as i walk this process of correction. The times that i can see them and be with them for a few days is NOT enough, because the rest of their days will be spent with their mother and the people they have to deal with, that don't know anything at all, about how to live in way that is BEST for all LIFE, not even ONE..!! Is this an excuse you might ask...?? Can i go back and live with them there and start a new life with them, is it going to work..??
Well it is not going to work, because i will be in constant arguments with the mother, and that is not healthy for them, because the mother does not approve with what i am doing here. When i talk to her on the phone and use common sense reasoning with her, she can see some points, but it is NOT seeing as in really seeing a point clearly and that will make one make the decision to STOP living the way one lives. It is just like trying to be nice to me, for who knows what reason.
So how the hell am i going to get out of this one..?? It is only when i get a real good job, with this i mean a steady job, which who knows when that is going to happen or ever going to happen, as this crisis is not to be measured nor trusted, because even those whom have a steady job can be without a job tomorrow.
All i can do for now is make sure that every time they are with me to show them how to live practically and how to question everything that is here and make sure to always make the decision to choose for life that is BEST for all.
What i really really would have liked was to let them be with me, but i just can't right now, there is no way this can happen now, due to money and the way i have to survive within this system now is not an ideal environment to have them be with me, because i work in shifts, and it is NOT like i make so much money where i could pay someone to watch them for me when i am busy working. So it just won't happen.
So i have to deal with this situation till things become a little better for me, but still what is important is that i work on myself to change myself so they can see the change, and take this as an example for themselves.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to mess up my own life so now that i have kids, my decisions that i have made are now affecting them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that bringing a child in this world when one is completely unaware as to how to really live and co-exist with each other, there is just no way one can be a BEST example for the children, because it was never one's own practical living principle nor from anyone else that constitute the whole human society.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to worry for my children, when i can clearly see that within worrying for them won't change anything for them, for worrying is not a physical movement. So within this i realize that worrying has nothing to do with being physical and being physical has everything to do with living.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to/towards the system when i know damn well that the system is me as it is the whole of humanity for it is what i and the rest of humanity is accepting and allowing to be here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to wish many times that the system could just collapse as soon as possible so all can see/realize/understand what we are really accepting and allowing and that it never supported LIFE. Within this i realize that this to is self-interest for i am not looking at the whole of humanity and that others need time to get what i now get as to understand what the heck is really going on, thus that i have to have patience with people and let them realize on their own pace what the heck is really going on, and just make sure that i can be the BEST example i can be, because this is all i can really do for myself and them at the moment, being an example as to walking within and as my process of birthing myself into the physical.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief i was a good parent when i was ''feeling love'' to/towards my children, when this ''feeling of love'' is exactly as the emotion as ''worrying'' for neither of them are a physical movement as in being practical, so within this, ''feeling love'' to/towards my children won't change a damn thing about their living conditions within this world and how this world functions at the moment. Within this i realize that there is NOT one parent that love their children that ever made sure that the world is the BEST world ever that their child and all other children will be living in, when they are here, within this making this whole ''feeling of love for the children'' a total LIE and an abomination. Because the feeling of love will never go as far as a feeling inside the one that is feeling the feeling of love, practical it will NEVER get, for the feeling was not intended to ever BE practical. All feelings are intended to be energetic experiences, and energetic experiences are NOT as in LIVING LIFE. Living LIFE is all about being practical in oneness and equality, that which is BEST for ALL LIFE.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take the teachings of my parents as of valuable to my living when in reality, they knew nothing of what it means to really LIVE as to make sure all of life on earth is expressing themselves at their very BEST, all my parents knew like any other parent world wide, is to teach me how to accept and allow this system and how to survive within it, because that is what has been passed down onto them also, it is all they ever knew, because practical love was never in their lives and was never lived on this planet.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create the patterns of my parents and pass some of them to my own children. So within this i realize that i am now responsible for assisting and supporting them to break themselves free form these patterns of selfish living/survival of the fittest as i am doing here to transform themselves into a pattern that is living what is always in all ways, that which is BEST for all LIFE.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be a parent that looks and act much like any other parent, as for all parents all they ever were was just trainers of their children to accept authority no matter what and to never ever question authority, hence we have society that doesn't question any authority in this world.
I commit myself to show that we as parents have failed drastically for we know NOT what it means to live as equals, all we know it to live to win and make sure not to loose and within this we will even go as far as to kill all oppositions.
I commit myself to show that the love of any parent in this world, means nothing for it never produced children that will become grownups that always does what is BEST for all LIFE, and to co-exist with one other and all lifeforms.
I commit myself to make sure i walk my process to be an example to my children and all children and also an example to all parents, so they can take the decision to start their own process.
I commit myself to continue looking for solutions as to how to be more in my children's life.
I commit myself to show that energy as love as what one feels has never been enough as to be physically practical so that love is equally a reality for all living beings.