In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Friday, 13 July 2012
Day 81, Me And My Son.
Now within this blog i am going to walk my ''emotional character'' i created regarding my son. Before i get to the self-forgiveness part,let me tell you the reader a little story of what happened in the beginning.
So there you have him, here about 1 and a half years old.
Now before this little fellow came into this world me and his mother were not doing well when it comes to the our relationship with each other, it was on the verge of breaking. At that time i was into the spiritual world, doing meditation and wanting to experience what these Master Teachers were talking about, when they were saying they experienced ONENESS and BLISS.
At the time i found a Master Teacher all the way in India, the so-called: ''Mahavatar Babaji'' and i wanted to move to this place in India near the foothills of the Himalaya in a remote village called: ''Haidakhan.'' I wanted to learn a specific meditation technique from this Babaji and was lost in this spiritual belief. And because of this my ex. was not happy, because my trip to the mountains would have take at least 6 month time. And here is where all the problems started, i wanted to go there, and she wanted me to stay here and go work at that time on some oil-rig in the North-sea of Holland here. And was angry at her for this, because when it came to money, because when she heard how much money i will be making she was immediately very interested in me going to do this job, so i was pissed at her for this, because it was a work where i will be 3 months on the rigs and 2 months back home, all the time, and there were also other time arrangements, but to me i saw it as staying away from home anyways. So i saw that she would accept me staying away for money, but not for what i believed in and that could transform the way i live to a being that can help humanity, because that is what i was looking for, how to help humanity, what could i do to help humanity. So i did not agree with her on that point and saw it as her pushing me to go do this job just because of the money i would have been paid doing that job.
So one morning she just walked into the bathroom when i was taking a shower and she told me in a very cold way: '' I don't know what your plans are, but i just want you to know that i am pregnant and if you want me to keep the baby or not..??''
So i did not say nothing at that moment because i was like surprised to hear this and did not know what to say really, and she also left the bathroom immediately after saying this. But eventually i decided that we will have the baby anyways, and so we did, and things started to appear to be working again because of this baby coming between me and my ex.
So on October the 18th, 2005 my son was born and my ex. and her mother have chosen names for him, and they are as follows: Larry-Xander Zachary Marvell Yssai Manuela. Why the fuck so many names..?? lol
How he looks like now.
So when he was born everything seemed fine, and he was eating like crazy, drinking milk like crazy and we went home with him and here is where----- what i am about to tell you is where everything really changed for me in regards to my relationship to him within which it will become an emotional one, where i created this emotional character in relationship to/towards my son.
It was exactly at midnight on new years eve that he became very very sick, with very high body temperature, so high that we had to rush him to the hospital in a hurry, and when we arrived there, they have found out that he was infected the virus called: ''Human respiratory syncytial virus'' ( RSV )
The doctors told us that for him this could be fatal for he is only just 2 and half month old, and at that stage they could not give him any antibiotics so the only thing that they could do is, give him more Oxygen and see if his body will help him recover or will it give in, die. By hearing this my ex. got all in a state of craze, but me i am the type of guy which is another character here again, that when i get into a situation or event where i know for sure that there is absolutely nothing i can do to change the situation or event, i become very calm and just accept whatever it is completely, nothing moves within me. So i just accepted it, that the probability that he will die is very real,and since very few percentage of little babies like him at that stage made it, he could be one of those that can die or one that can survive it. So my ex. couldn't handle the whole thing and was crying all the time. The doctors asked us whom will be staying with him in the hospital and i decided that it will be me. So i stayed with him sleeping every night there with him for 2 and a half weeks till he got better, and in these 2 and a half week i created a certain relationship with him, very emotionally strong, and from that day on he even though as a baby,it was like knew whom was the one who stayed with him, he became very attached to me and i to him. A sort or kind of a silent bond was made between me and him in that 2 and a half weeks of him being extremely sick.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a character that is emotional in relation to/towards my son, just because of the bond that was made between me and him when he got really sick, even though he was at that stage only 2 and half month old.
I commit myself to little by little delete this emotional character i have accepted and allowed myself to be/become to/towards my son.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be the character of the father for my son,and within this make sure that he will look at me as father being more then him, someone who deserves respect and lots of the child's love, instead of me being here as the living flesh living with and treating and showing the son that he is one and equal as myself and everyone else, so that he becomes a being that truly honor LIFE in every way and every form, and always does that which is BEST for ALL LIFE.
I commit myself to little by little delete this ''father character'' that my son sees in me and make sure that he will see in me someone whom is his equal.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a character that believed: '' i must be seen as a cold heart person by others'' because of how i become in situations and events where there is absolutely nothing i can do to change the situation especially when it is a matter of life or death.
I commit myself to step out of this character that is worrying about others judgements about me through my self-forgiveness and my writings and my self-honesty. As long as i am living in self-honesty there is nothing i should fear, for fear is dishonesty.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be the character that did not like my son having so many names, of which i find it unnecessary.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a character in my mind when my ex. told me she was pregnant that did not know what to say really, and that was surprised, when the reality is simple if you fuck and you don't use protection it is pretty sure that the woman you fucked with can get pregnant, that is if your sperm is healthy.
I commit myself to STOP myself by acting surprised at things that are obvious and just take them as they are in fact.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a character that will always look after my son emotionally and be influenced by him emotionally, just because i accepted and allowed myself to create this bond with him when he was lying in the hospital almost dying.
I commit myself to let this character go that is interacting with my son as being emotional about him,and live and show him that we are one and equals as life here as the physical and that the father and son characters needs to be forgiven and forgotten and deleted for they don't serve oneness and equality,that which is best for all LIFE.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a character that will love my son more then other people and other children, within which i am participating in the continuation of the separation that i have accepted and allowed to be in existence, wherein i judge others and some to be of more valuable then others and deserving more ''love,'' without seeing/realizing/understanding that this ''love'' that is existent within me for my son is pure self-interest.
I commit myself to delete this character that i have accepted and allowed to be within me as directing my decisions in life, of which are not supportive at all to life, but are self-interest as the character or characters in my mind are all one by one self-interested characters. So whenever i see myself going into separation as in ''feeling'' this ''love'' to/towards my son i STOP myself through breathing through the feeling till it is gone and do my self-forgiveness for allowing this to be within me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold my son in character through holding myself in character which makes me in reality an abuser to LIFE, because LIFE is to be LIVED and NOT characterized. So to try an characterized LIFE, i am abusing myself as LIFE and others as well as LIFE equal and one.
I commit myself to STOP holding my son in the character that he is now, which is the character that is emotionally very attached to me, and instead treat him as my equal as life, so he may see/realize/understand what it means to live as one as equals as LIFE here.
I commit myself to work on myself so i become a example to all characters as fathers and as sons, that these are all characters and that our true character is what we are as the human physical body, and within that we are all equals and one.
I commit myself to teach my son through my walking what it means to live with others as your equals and not as characters treating each other as characters, and holding each other within characters in order to never get real as the physical being as the human body.
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