In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Tuesday, 24 July 2012
Day 91, Ex. Worrying About Money Part 1
I reached home today and i saw her message on my phone, and this is still a point that i am reacting to, because i always somehow let her get me stressed with this money thing. She asked me if i could help her with € 200,- this week,because she really needs it for the children to eat, and she does not know how she is going to get it. Every time she called or i get her message i immediately go into defense mechanism, because in my mind i am already thinking: '' ooh fuck she needs money again.'' Now folks, it is not that she might be lying or something, because she does live in a fucked up situation, and what she cannot understand is, that i am working but my expenses are all sucking all my money,so much so, that i cannot even take a vacation from work, or get sick because for me it will mean less job,less money-------- because i am being paid for the days i work alone, i don't have a steady job. I have a steady none-steady job, literally. Because i work via a working agency within the factory, thus the factory have a monopoly with this working agency. And what does the working agency do..?? They pay you only for the days/hours you have worked, and the more you work, you will accumulate some hours that will turn into days so you can take your vacation when you have had enough days. For example; if you have worked only 3 month, you won't have much days of vacation, it won't accumulate to even a week. You built per month 16 hours of vacation if you have worked 40 hours a week in that month. And you have the option to also instead of taken the days, let them pay you the days.This may sound so fantastic, but when there is for example no work at the factory and i have been sent home till there is work again, and let's say it will take 2 weeks, well within these 2 weeks i will have to take the vacation days, because i will not be payed like the ones working there steady. So it will be bye bye vacation days. Cool system isn't it...?? NOT....!!!!
This whole working-agency thingy here has become very popular in this country, because it is a way to get rid of someone much easier, when you don't need them anymore, and because they get into a monopoly thing with the working-agency you will never as someone who is looking for a job, get a chance to get into that factory or company. The working-agency also have a level-system, and this entails that the longer you're work without interruptions, meaning without breaks in between, like for example you worked 7 month and then was sent home for 6.5 month, well when you come again you will start all the way form the start on the level-ladder. and they have the level A,B and C. When one reach level-C, only then in this phase they will pay you when there is no work for you and you have to stay home, it's like you have become a steady worker for the working agency. To finish level-A and move to level-B takes one 78 weeks of working it doesn't have to be continuous, and if the staying home is 26 weeks(6.5month), you will start at the beginning. In level-B you get a contract for a ''certain period of time'' is what they call it. And these contracts can be a maximum of 8 contracts, now last year i have signed a contract of a year of certainty so to speak with this working-agency and the factory that at least this year i will be working for the factory via the working-agency for this whole year, because the factory likes the way i work, they see ''potential'' in me.
So in level-B before i move to level-C i will have to work for 2 years, because every 3 month you get to sign a new contract of 3 month within the 1 year contract that i had signed for 1 year of ''certainty'' between the factory and the working-agency. Cool way, isn't it------ this system..?? .......NOT.....!!! They do this, because they want to be certain that maybe possibly you won't make it that long, and have to start all over on level-A again.
So this is a cool deal for the working-agency and for the factory or company, because for the both of them it is a way of making money, the working-agency makes money on the back of the worker, and the factory or company makes money by saving money when using the worker of the working-agency, because when there is not much work, they can sent you home. They have no obligations with you, you are not tied to them as someone who would have a steady job there. Someone with a steady job, they would have to pay him/her if they are to sent them home if the work is slow. So what is the consequences of these kind of deals between working-agencies and factories or companies...??? That the people like me whom are looking for a steady job won't find one that easy,and especially that we are now in the crisis, one have to be very lucky. Because the working-agencies are taking all the available jobs over, that one could have gotten oneself if one was looking for a job,and then after working for 6 month then becomes a steady worker. This is something of the ''good old days'' in this country. So one is being forced in a way to go to these working-agencies, because they have all the jobs, the perfect master/slave scenario. And one other thing, working for the working-agency one will get paid less, then the ones that work there as steady-workers, doing the same job, and sometimes even working harder then them, because of the pressure of trying to keep the work as long as possible, and the fear of getting to be sent home because they don't like the way you work, which most of the times means: '' NOT VERY HARD WORKING''. Perfect system isn't it..??? ......NOT....!!! It is perfect for the ones making money on ones back, but not for the ones DOING the actual/practical/physical work itself..!!
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated every time my ex. girlfriend calls me or message me out of the blue, because i immediately go into fear, mixed with anger because i know she is going to ask for money for the kids that i don't have, and expect me to do so magic to get to the money, or make some more debts, as long as she can get the money.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to always have disputes about money with my ex. girlfriend, i see that in the past when i was with her and still now that i am NOT with her this money thing was always a stressful thing for me with her, because i can see she is not good in handling with money, she wants to live as if she got a lot of money, when she does not, and this have consequences.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my ex.girlfriend for the way she deals with money, that i see as in being negative, and having major consequential outflows that are not only for her, but also for the people near her.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated with my ex.girlfriend every time the money topic comes in, because she does not see the consequential outflows of her decisions that she makes with money now.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let a system exist where there is dispute and irritation within and between individuals about something as is the monetary system that is a belief-system, and a belief system can never ever actually be real, it can though superimpose what it is on that which is real in order to be experienced as real, but not that it IS real.
let me give an example here for the self-forgiveness statement above. Lets say one have an apple-tree and when there are apples on the tree one can get them and eat them. But the moment someone introduce something else like money to get to eat the apple and give the money more importance then the apple itself that is real, one have made oneself a slave to this money that then is going to be the only way one can get to eat the apple that grows out of/from the earth for free. So the money is not real and the apple is real.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow a system to exist that abuses me as life and all/everything/everyone else as life.Thus within this i have allowed a third party in that is NOT even real to govern over and above that is real and even be treated as more valuable than that instead of that which is really real.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let a system exists where i have no choice within it, because all the choices i could have had have been sealed as NO choices within the laws/rules/regulations that protect the system against LIFE. Within this all the apparent choices i will make that seem as my choice are really choices that were already made for me, which is clearly obvious when the only choices you can make in this system are choices that support the system, of you try and made choices that will support life, the system will not support you, because supporting life within the system means being against the system.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let a system exist where i have to buy myself a LIFE, and not LIVE as one as equal as life HERE.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give LIFE a limited value as DEBT, where i have to be in DEBT in order for me to have LIFE.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to base relationships with money, either directly or indirectly. Thus within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a judge as money between people's relationship to be the decider of the relationship going to work or not work,instead of me taking my own directive principle on what would be BEST for all life as the decision always, in all ways.