In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Sunday, 22 July 2012
Day 90, What Now..??
This is a point that i have faced in the past and that needs to be investigated some more. With this title here, i am implying that when i reached a certain point within myself or i have reached a certain halt in the perspective of not knowing what to do next,and even when i do get a glimpse of what it could be that i can do in the next moment, but yet again as you may know this is a projection of the mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to when i arrived at a moment in my life when i have reached a certain point that might have looked liked it was a difficult point and then when i got it, i immediately went into my mind projection and to justify my own glory on one side, and other side as my fear of the unknown, when i will ask myself the question: ''what now..??''
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand how my mind always tries to keep me in it, the moment i reach a point of silence, where there is no movement within me, my mind will immediately move into projections, giving all it got in order for me to not be HERE.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to every time i had a woman and i have managed to get her into bed and was ready to engage into sexual activity, this question will pop up within me, indicating that i am not sure how she is going to react to me having sexual intercourse with her for real, that this was always a surprise, because all the words and kisses before that moment were just to lead to that one moment and then when the moment is really here, then doubt and fear of being seen as not good enough step in, but within the question hidden as: ''what now''
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide doubt and fear of not being good enough into and as the thought: ''what now''
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to link the though to actual/practical/physical movement as touch of bodies to a thought in my mind as: ''what now'' without realizing how this one thought in my mind will make me use sex as a performance instead of a practical/physical touch as bodies HERE one and equal. Thus meaning that i will then focus on the result of the partner i am with when she will validate it as ''good'' or ''fantastic'' so within totally being separated from the bodies touching each other and being here one and equal within and as the touch of the bodies as myself one and equal.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought: ''what now'' to a moment of nothingness within me, as if i am not suppose to stay in that moment of nothingness, without me seeing/realizing/understanding that in that little moment of nothingness i was still here, because i will immediately follow my thoughts and it will happen so fast that i will miss that moment of nothingness and the realization that in that nothingness i was still here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive/interpret the thought ''what now'' as negative, because it is a moment of a standing still when nothing moves, and this nothing moving within my mind is not a place to be, as the ego as i am in my mind fears none movement of thoughts, thus meaning that thoughts are not running a mock at all, for me as the ego within my mind fears nothingness, and interpret it as death, it's own death.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought ''what now'' to the word death and the definition of the word death, within which death in my mind means the END, and me as ego in my mind as my mind don't want to END, thus within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself within my own mind as the ego to create a belief in my mind itself that it can end, without seeing/realizing/understanding that it can give itself back to life as what it has become as energy within this giving of itself back to life will remain in life as the oneness and equality of/as life, because as energy was derived from life, so it would then be giving life back to life as what life has given from itself to be/become energy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that with the thought ''what now'' i was creating a defense mechanism in order for me to not face the real me as the nothingness that is here, but yet very much alive.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that also that with the thought ''what now'' i was also creating a another defense mechanism for me to NOT find out that me as the main character within my mind is not real and is just trying and attempting to be real by abusing and sucking for energy out of that which is real, thus finding out that the me that i belief i am is not real is not a way my mind wants me to go, so will avoid this at all costs in the forms of thoughts/feelings/emotions as judgements/justifications/reactions.
I commit myself to show that the mind will always find ways to make sure it is not faced with the reality of itself, which is; that it is not real through my writing and my self-forgiveness statements and my commitments to life as i walk myself out of my mind and back into the physical body.
I commit myself to whenever i see myself going into the thought of ''what now'' to immediately remind myself through my breath and STOP in that moment and just breathe and make sure i am touching something physical for me to not loose myself within my mind.
I commit myself to STOP treating my mind as something separate from me, but as me, because it is as of right now what i have accepted and allowed myself to be/become in this world, in this reality, a mind amalgamated within and as my human physical body.
I commit myself to for in the future when i will engage in sex, to leave the mind out of the whole physical touch and just be here as the touch as how my body with another body react to being touched and touching other body and simultaneously also staying in my breath one and equal.