In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Thursday, 26 July 2012
Day 93, Am I Normal Because I Didn't Feel That Much.
I am writing here about the death of people whom have died that were close to me, and how i remembered that i did not feel that much or almost anything because they died. I used to have some dogs. Well when they died i did cry. So i questioned myself then, was i normal, because i didn't cry, or felt much to almost nothing,when these people died..??
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to when i was a kid, to see death of people or humans as a fearful/scary, and ugly thing, so within that when someone dies that is close to me, i don't feel anything,because i have suppressed death since i was a kid thus meaning to not feel for a fearful/scary and ugly thing like death of people.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let myself create myself into a character that will live as someone not wanting to do with anything that revolves around people dying, because i have accepted and allowed myself when i was a kid to be influenced by the people of my country with their stories about the dead and the way they were dealing with the dead, that looked very scary to me when i was a kid, and very very sad, lots of people crying, especially the woman, so within this i created a hate for death for i saw only suffering somehow when there is death, so within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create another personality that hates death, so when someone close to me dies, i do not feel sadness, i most of the times will feel hate for death itself. So within this, i realize how i have chosen hate instead of sadness when people close to me die, or anybody dies, and the hate is to/towards death itself for i have accepted it as i saw it as a destruction of LIFE.
Thus within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to interpret death as destruction of LIFE, without seeing/realizing/understanding that what death was really taking care of was NOT the body, it is in reality saving the body of going through more pain and real suffering, and is taking care of the parasite that is inside, which is our minds. So i realize death is in reality the invention of LIFE itself to protect itself from unwanted hosts that are trying to abuse and destroy life. So when someone dies, the body( the real being of earth) returns to life as the earth as where it came from, and the parasite which was the host as the personality(-ies) in it's home; 'the mind', is the one that really really dies, it ENDS.!!
So within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate death, for i did not realize nor understand that death in reality was assisting and supporting LIFE, and NOT destroying it as i was believing/thinking, and is taking care of that which is truly killing and destroying and abusing LIFE, which is our hosts as the MIND.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate death, because of my own ignorance and my own blindness and my own NOT being one and equal with and as LIFE as my human physical body here, and as the whole physical reality of earth and the whole physical existence, for DEATH was making sure to eradicate that which was NOT real and was destroying life.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief that being sad was normal, without realizing that sadness as a feeling is of and as the mind, because of and as the mind within me, every time i feel sad the mind is in reality sucking like a parasite on my body and transforming little parts of my body into energy and what i feel as sadness is in reality the mind eating as what was transformed into energy, so i am feeling the killing of parts of my body that has become energy for my mind to consume and to continue with it's existence within my body as a host as the parasite, and for this i have invented a word for, which i have come to call: ''sadness.''
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear death for i always saw death as something ''bad'' ''wrong'' and ''negative'' when in reality death are none of these and also it is NOT the opposite of these which are ''good'' ''right'' and ''positive'', it is just what it is HERE as assistence and support to LIFE, so that LIFE don't go into an eternal abuse and destruction.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the fear of death to the words: ''bad'' ''wrong'' and ''negative'' and to their definitions making it then a reason to fear death, without seeing/realizing/understanding how it is that only in my mind fear can exist and labeling of the fear as many fears as the words, will make fear seem as many, when in reality it is always just ONE fear dressed up as many fears in the forms and symbols as words with their definitions rising out of memories.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give my self-created belief of what death is or can be,and then hate my own self-created belief about death, without investigating more deeply what is death really is..?? So within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a character that is acting out as if it knows things, but it doesn't and create assumptions about things and then belief it's own assumptions and take them as real without ever really knowing the thing it formed a belief of, what it really is in fact.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to never have trusted my own common sense even when i was a kid, when i had some realizations about this death thing, but took my realizations and transform them into HATE, because of not being able to understand my own common sense, and also of being devoid of common sense itself, was growing up not living using common sense as a way to see what is going on for real, but was learning using my knowledge, and taking knowledge of others that went before me. So within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be the continuation of those that went before me, which were all living out of memories and memories are NOT what is HERE. In common sense i always see what is here alone, and if what is here is what is best for all LIFE or not, very simple.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create myself into an illusion, and therefore me as LIFE had to invent a way for the illusion to STOP abusing myself as LIFE and everything else as LIFE, which is what we know as DEATH. So death is the illusion eraser.
I commit myself to show to those whom can now see and are ready to see, that death is NOT what it seem,and it is NOT to be feared, it is just a tool in life as any other tool to make sure life is not eternally abused and make to suffer.
I commit myself to show in common sense that the symbols and words we use for death are all symbols and words of fear, for we as fear only see in everything ourselves as fear as what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become.
I commit myself to show that having no feelings at all when people die, doesn't mean that one is not normal, it only means that in one's mind one have a different assumption about death which is also coming from the same mind as the others that are believing that they are normal because they feel something for the one's that they knew died, which i again coming from the mind just another assumption, because none know what death is for real, in fact.!!