Sunday, 20 May 2012

Day 34, Feelings

Within this post i am going to write self-forgiveness on feelings.






Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ''love'' to exist within me as something that is necessary for me to experience so i can have a fruitful life here on planet earth, and for i to be someone who cares for others and have compassion for others, meanwhile i never noticed how my love was deceptive,because it only reached in the comfort of my home to those whom are close enough to me, those i didn't know i did not have this ''special feeling'' as love for them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go through feeling of excitement when i was going out and i found myself in a club with the whole atmosphere of the place dawning on me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to value everything in my life based on how it ''feels''


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself that my feelings are real, when i perfectly know within myself in self-honesty that the feelings within me come and go, they are never constant and consistent, and i have accepted and allowed them so much so in me like this, that i see it as being ''normal'' that feelings come and go. But i never see how they come and where they go within me, it's a greater mystery then all mysteries in this world; that i experience something within me, and yet i have not got any clue whatsoever as in how it appears within me and when it disappears, where it goes within me,and the whole process of it appearing and disappearing is all unknown to me. When contrary to this my breath and my physical body are always here with me constantly and consistently, but yet i give more value to the thoughts/feelings/emotions in me that i do not know nothing of, i just experience them once in a while depending on circumstances that play out in my world outside that make me react within these; thoughts/feelings/emotions.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the feelings that i experience within me, that has blinded/separated me to not be one and equal with my breath and my human physical body, and hence make me unaware of life as the physical breath and the physical reality i am finding myself within/as.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to value people on the feeling they have to/towards me and not as the whom they are as life as the physical human body. That is why phrases like this exist: '' what someone is inside is what counts, and not so much what is outside'' within this we are openly admitting how we have given value to something like feelings/thoughts/emotions as being more then the physical reality and as having more value then the physical reality and within this because these feelings are comers and goers hence they cannot be trusted. Hence we have the same relationship play-outs in our interaction with each other where we don't trust each other, because we don't trust ourselves within ourselves as our feelings and thoughts.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only care for those and the things i experience a ''good feeling'' to/towards/for, and everything else that i don't have this feeling for are just background image, not of importance, so within this all the atrocities that are happening in this world to others and everything else, because i don't go through a feeling for them or it, i don't give a damn. That is why war, can exist when i am here, that is why starvation can exist when i am here, that is why lies can exist when i am here, that is why sexual abuse can exist while i am here, because unless it is not happening to those that i experience the ''good feelings'' to/towards/for i will just not act.


I forgive myself that i have participated in manipulating women in playing the game of igniting ''good feelings'' within them, because this ignition is like a security for getting sex, i must make her FEEL for me, so i worked on her feeling for me, so i can get what i desire which is just sex, and the whole feeling of experiencing sex.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand how in participating in making woman feel for me, i am accepting and allowing my own abdication of life as myself and as others as myself, within this totally giving in, into the energy game that is busy sucking all life out of us.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to inflict myself with lots and lots of feelings within me, before i go look for a woman to get into a sexual relationship with, the more energy as feelings i could generate within me, the more successful i will get when articulating it out as in words, not realizing/seeing/understanding how i was giving my power away for an pursuit of a feeling, that will not last forever, and in this abdicating my breathing and my physical body that even throughout all this none sense that i accept and allow myself to go through is still here with me, but i am not them i am a personality in mind trying to be more then them, when this personality cannot even exist if it were not for the breathing and the human physical body.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust what i feel as bliss to be more important then life, when bliss is obviously an experience and life is NOT an experience, but yet when i was sitting and meditating myself into this blissful mind-fuck i was not seeing/realizing/understanding how i was separating myself as LIFE. I never questioned, how i can be in bliss alone and when life here on this planet is in great pain through countless expressions.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge others based on what i feel to/towards them and not on real knowing them as life as equal as me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to always trust my feelings instead of trusting me as breath and my physical body.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even belief informations only because it felt ''right'' or ''good'' without realizing/seeing/understanding that the feeling of it has nothing to do with it(belief) being real or not.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself that i have relied on the personality in my mind to determine the feelings i have to follow in order to experience something as being trustworthy or not,when in countless times my reality have showed me how my feelings were incorrect with the physical reality/not aligned.

I commit myself trough writing, self-forgiveness and my commitments to show how i deconstruct the layers that exist within me as feelings so others as me can see it as an example and start walking their own individual  processes.




I commit myself to show as an example as i walk my process that feelings are not something one can trust and rely on, when one is not the directive principle tehereof.


I commit myself to show all what we as feelings have done to ourselves and others as ourselves and life in general.


I commit myself to embrace what i have become as feelings/thoughts/emotions and within this stand as the totality as them as me and within that change me as them as that which is best for all life.




Thanks.




Larry Manuela

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