In this blog i will walk myself to nothingness for 7 years onward of self-forgiveness, self-correction and as so i take upon me all that i have accepted and allowed to be HERE as life as me as all.
Thursday, 24 May 2012
Day 38, A Day with My Mind-Fucks. Part 1
Now within this blog i am going to layout specific thoughts and feelings and emotions that i go through during my days and nights, that are basically almost the same points over and over, and again and again. I was to continue with part 2 of the blog of yesterday, but will do that tomorrow, which will be another tomorrow...loll
I had a chat with a friend of mine today and we were chatting about this, and it became clear and also as she suggested and which i found a great idea, to write in specificity how i ''mind-fuck'' myself during my days and nights. She suggested me to dig deeper into myself to find me, the fucker that is hiding, or try to hide in the maze of all these thoughts/feelings/emotions.
Now lets have a look at the who i am in my own thoughts.
I will start with a specific anger i have towards studies. In this when i look in the world outside and i can see that, studies in this world have never brought about a world that one can be proud of. This one thing influenced me in my entire life. Because from a very young age, i was already within myself questioning everything and everyone. I had a relationship with questioning things and people. So what i was busy studying at school to me was garbage because the shit was never about what really matters in the world, what really matters in life. It was just about what do you wanna study so you can ''be'' somebody tomorrow in your life, you guys know, this whole thing of having a career and shit like that. Oh yes before i continue let me say that in this blog i am going to be cursing a lot, so bear with me here,so reader discretion is advised..!! ...lolll. I want to put the shit that is in me as it is in me, brutally so out, as real as it can get, so i can see the points within me that i need to correct. Anyways, so this whole bullshit stuff of going to school just to study to be somebody, like you are not somebody right now, is all just fucking bullshit..!!! I don't see why the fuck i have study any shit in order for me to ''be'' somebody, i mean WTF( what the fuck !!!). The moment i accepted that bullshit that right now i am a nobody so i have to rely and depend on a fucking schooling(brainwashing) in order for me to ''BE'' somebody, in this moment i gave all my power away and squandered LIFE for a fucking schooling, that never ever taught me anything about how the fuck to practically live in this world for real. It was and still is all major bullshit that is being taught in schools. It is all about Me becoming a perfect asshole slave in the system, one of the many assholes that will NEVER question the fucking thing. I despised school so much within me that i have decided within myself that i am NOT going to learn any bullshit where i can make myself make lots and lots of money, because i could not agree with this bullshit in this world.To me making lots of money when while others are poor and starving makes me a ''BAD'' person. Just because i was born with an ability to learn a little bit faster then others made me in the system if i do my best get very well rewarded. So only those who can study good will get the most lovely life, they will get the most well paid jobs and all the fucking bullshit that goes with it. So i decided to protest in myself, occupy my own mind delirium against myself by deliberately choosing things to study where i can see, that with that i will not be someone who is going to make lots and lots of money in the fucking bullshit system we have here in this world.Like laying low so to speak. Because to me making a lot of money in a system like this means i am an abuser and it is true to...!! but accepting and allowing the system to exist as it is, is also being an abuser.
The reason why i am angry today and all the days of my life, is because now i can see how i abdicated my responsibility to/towards life itself as myself. Because i could study, i can study, i have the brains to do so, i know it. I could have studied something that i could have used as a tool to bring some real changes in this world, to all the shit i was seeing that are NOT right in this fucking world we live in. I decided to hide within myself as a coward, not standing up for life, and i have it within me, i can see the shit clearly and know when a fucker is being a fucker..!! How..?? Because i am a fucker to. I fuck myself by letting myself down as life, by NOT making the right choices and deliberately to in my life, just because it was my attempt to protest against the fucking system that i despised so much throughout my life. How can i be so stupid i ask myself many times to allow such bullshit to exist in this world...?? And all the bullshit is very easily recognizable using common sense, simple stuff. Let me give a fucking example, that all of you know it IS so..!! We all know that we don't really need no fucking money in this world for us to survive, everything, and i literally mean EVERYTHING that we need to survive is provided for us by the EARTH. So what the fuck is WRONG with ME and ALL of you that makes me and all of you not say it is ENOUGH and STOP this money game and take a fucking real stand/stance together as one..!!!..?? I know it is the fucking fear of loosing things and people in this world and also ones own life, because to stand for life in this fucking world means, you are an enemy of the system. So everyone and everything within the system who LOVE the fucking thing so much will see you as an enemy..!! Simple shit..!! No amount of money will ever replace my fucking life or lives of others, but yet here i am in this bullshit system working like a salve to a fucking idiotic scheme of a system, where i have NO freedom whatsoever..!! the only sense of freedom i will get is when i buy the stuff i need to buy with the bullshit money i spent most of my time in a week working like a slave to get, like i have no life to live. Fucking myself and everybody up, by not standing for life. But i am done with this, i am tired of this shit, tired of not standing up,tired of not saying the shit to everyone in their faces the real shit that is busy going on in this world, how i and everyone else is busy fucking everything up, with our oh so precious beliefs and educations. I mean i am so tired of people not standing up for life, tired of myself not standing up for life, so i will have to keep on going and do what i have to do, in order to bring about a world that is truly BEST for all LIFE. So i am going to study the shit i should have studied, and not because i like it or i might get paid well when i am done and have a fucking degree, oh NO, because i will use it to bring about a world that is best for all life. I am planning to study political science, so i can get my ass into politics and show all the people who had their fucking chances, how things are really done when you walk as one as equal as life and don't accept and allow anything LESS or MORE then LIFE...!! No more bullshit laws/rules/regulations that does NOT support life. It is done with the all bullshit, done with all the justifications.!!
Now there is another anger in me and that is the anger i get to experience when i hear that some people are planning to have children or are going to have children. This thing makes me extremely angry, why...?? Because i can see within me that i won't have done that to the child, bring a child into this world right now when we are at the brink of destroying ourselves.When we are heading towards a fucking collapse of the system. I am so angry at myself that i have missed this point in my life and feel so sorry that i had to bring a child into this world. because now the child is here and the fucking world(system of men) is not supportive at all to any child. I am just a fucking abuser who brought a child in this world when knowing that the world is a fucked up place to be in, because i myself are one of the fuckers who are fucking the whole thing up, by just allowing the stupid shitty system we have here in place, as simple as that..!!
Now that i have written the shit out as it exist within me, i am going through this experience of sadness. Sadness because i can see how much hate and resentfulness i have within me, and how much i spite myself and everyone else. It is so sad that i have to live with all this anger within me, when they are totally not necessary at all, they don't change the reality i am in and the world is in. the only thing that is going to bring a change is myself standing as myself as life one and equal and be the example as that, walk it for real..!!
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at studying, because of my belief that studies meant nothing substantial in this then to just to become a slave to the system.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the schooling system in this world, because of my belief that it is not something worthwhile doing or participating in, as it only produces slaves to a system of enslavement.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be an active participant in and as the system and NOT an active participant within the system that is walking in correcting himself to bring about a world that is best for all life as himself in the beginning when i was seeing all this none sense already and was questioning it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide within my own thoughts/feelings/emotions in order for me not to take my self-responsibility for what i was seeing that was not correct and right within this world, within this i found a nice place within my mind where i can back-chat about all the shit i don't agree with in this world and be right about it in my mind, playing this whole game of winning and loosing/competition within my own mind, and hence having to create winning/loosing/competition in my world at large.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to to delude myself in the idea and belief that by not studying the studies that are considered higher learning in this world, i will protest against the system, go against it, not realizing/seeing/understanding that there inside my mind was the only place this protest was going on in the form of back-chats.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself by thinking/believing that i can actually achieve something with protesting in my mind and living this protest out as myself, when the only thing i was achieving was me being a coward in this world not standing up for what is best for all life.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to spite myself and everyone else for not standing up for life.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by my own self created mind delusions as back-chats, that are always wanting to be right and win.
I am going to have to continue in another blog finishing up with the self-forgiveness and the corrective statements and my commitments.