Friday, 25 May 2012

Day 39, A Day With My Mind-Fucks Part 2.

I am continuing with the self-forgiveness statements in regard to my mind-fucks a.k.a. back-chats.

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret myself not studying when i had the opportunity to do so, and now see that it is almost too late but not late.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate those who have studied and are living a good life now, because i can see within myself that i despise living a good life when others suffers, i just don't have it within me to do it, and don't know what to do in the system.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself deny myself the fact that i can learn, but acted as if i can't, trying to avoid deliberately the things that would mean i have to take more responsibilities if i get to study them and then get to use them in the practical living, just because i saw them as ''bad'' being in a position where i make lots of money on the back of others, so within this i was afraid of my own fear of maybe/possibly liking the whole thing and then get to living the very thing i would despise, so within this i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to link/connect fearing being careless with money to studying, if i had money and had a good job, fearing how i will become spending money on woman basically, indulging in sexual activities that people with money love so much, and i within this will loose myself, thus fearing loosing myself in becoming sexually addicted to/towards woman, just because i know that with money one can buy love/sex.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear studying and becoming ''somebody,'' because i know within this world someone with ''power'' can get a lot of things done, so i will be able to manipulate woman better if i had money and power as in having a ''good/higher education. Thus within this i fear education for the reason of fearing what i could become if i had a higher education, so meaning if i am fearing these within me, that they are in control of my life, so within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let my fear of having power and money control my decision making in studying in this world, based upon my own desires and wishes to have sex with more and more woman.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself  to connect studying to having sex with woman.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect studying to power and money.

 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have secret hidden desires that are linked to money and sex and that i know now i would have fall into if i had studied and had a nicely paid job, i would've been exactly what i see other rich people do when they have money and power.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to despise studying due to the very fact of what i know that exist within me, when it comes to the sex, and what i could become if i don't work out my sexual addictions.

 

 

I commit myself to remember to breathe, and make sure to have physical touch, to remind myself that i am here,so i stop the participation in my mind with my back-chats about studying and bringing a child into this world now.

 

I commit myself to layer out my thoughts that are in me and that i use to participate within and as my back-chats with. 


I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self corrective application and my commitments to walk as an example as i go along deconstructing myself as what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.



Thanks.


Larry Manuela


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