Monday, 21 May 2012

Day 35, LovE.

Now within this blog i am going to write self-forgiveness on one of the points in this world that is so hard for people to let go off.

In my life, i had the opportunity to experience this '' feeling''called: LOVE.
I belief that almost every girl/woman i have been with, i felt this feeling of love for them, but as we all know when the reality dawn upon us, the person we ''fall'' in love with most of the time will turn out to be not what we expected, may not be someone that one should have felt this special feeling called love to/towards/for.

And when we find out this, we usually go into defense mechanism or offense mechanism. We then jump from positive thoughts as feelings, to negative thoughts as emotions.  Love is so messed up that some smart people will argue that love is not a feeling, when everybody knows that when they love, they experience a feeling, and that the feeling overwhelm them, it is not an usual feeling, it is a: ''more then'' feeling.

For example love for a lover is not the same like the love one have for ones mother or father or ones siblings, and yet again if one have children, the same goes for grandparents, the love is different. Are you guys seeing this, is it becoming clear already, how and between family members alone this love we feel has managed to rise and fall, it is already showing us how untrustworthy it is. Why you may ask..??  This having a more or less feeling depending on what type of relationship with the person,and how close one is with this person in ones life, determines the degree of the intensity of this love. Let me give a simple comparison. Love is like the volume button on a radio, when one likes a music that is playing one turn the volume up, and when it is a music one does not like that much, one turns the volume down. So Now here we are having a special feeling as love for your mother, a special feeling as love for your father, but yet the love for you mother that you experience is not the same as the love you experience for your father,and yet again if you have sisters and brothers, this love is different and also varies a lot.

Now lets move to the love that everyone is so crazy about, and that is the love where one will find someone else to love that is a ''stranger.'' And you guys remember how many times your parents have told you to not to talk to strangers..??  loll......well here you are falling in love with a stranger. Funny isn't it, we are not suppose to trust strangers but almost everyone is married or is in a relationship with someone that in the beginning was a stranger to them and they liked the stranger so much that the likeness turned into a love a more intense likeness, and the moment it turned into love, the stranger was not a stranger anymore, we desire/want/wish the stranger so much so, that we will do anything to have more and more of this ''special feeling'' as love that is busy brewing inside for this stranger. All your thoughts are directed to/towards this person, you think and think and think about them in many different ways in your mind and the more you do that, the more the feeling inside your chest area grows and grows, till you cannot stop yourself and you literally throw yourself at this person, giving yourself in at her/his disposal, and then in order to complete the whole thing, sex is going to come into the picture, because that is what this whole building up of the feeling was all about, to make the two come together in the act of sex, and in the act of sex when the great orgasm is reached,there is where we loose that energy as love to our minds, and the more and more we continue having more and more sex, the less and less the feeling as love as it was in the beginning will get, till you reach a point where you are just having sex, for the sake of feeling horny but not so much because the love that you feel, had made you got horny, and this is where things start to get ''normal'' in relationships. When questions start to arise, and the back-chats also: '' i wonder if he really loves me, because we are not having much sex lately and when we do it is not like it used to be,'' this if you are a woman--- and if you are a man: '' damn, i should have not get into a relationship with this woman,sex is so much the same every time,now i am missing out on all the other girls/woman i could have had, fuck..!!''


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let myself fall in love and even within this word: ''fall'' i still did not see/realize/understand that i am going to place myself within a trap.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to love almost every woman that i have been with in a relationship either short or long.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief, that only if i have this feeling of love, that i can care MORE for the other person, within this implying that my love and my carrying for someone else is dependent on my degree of what i would feel as what i have come to accept and allow within me as what we have come to term, the feeling as ''love.'' 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel more love for my mother then for my father and yet still love them both, when i know that my feeling of love for my mother is not the same as the feeling of love for my father, and all of this because i in myself have decided  that the one that is giving me more attention and cuddling is the one that i have to have more feeling of love and affection to/towards, without realizing how i am busy within myself playing with my own feelings and following them instead of directing myself as them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel a different love for my siblings then for my parents. All because the interaction with my siblings during my life with them is different then that with my parents, thus this clearly indicates how i am letting outside forces as like in interactions determine how intense i will accept and allow the feeling of/as love within and as me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to love woman as my lovers pure for the opportunity to experience sex with them, because to make a woman feel love for you in her to/towards you will guarantee you sex with them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief/think that having different degrees of love for different people is ''normal'' and acceptable, when this in common sense is clearly indicating  and exposing that one is not one and equal with and as that feeling oneself is generating within oneself, meaning; ' i am either one thing or i am not, thus i am love or i am not love..??' In this love is not who i am as life, it is not my expression, it is just me getting high on a feeling that i have given much more value then all the rest of the feelings i accept and allow within me, and within this love has become the feeling that i use to generate more energy within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall in love with only woman that have something, meaning a body part that i memorize in the past that i would find attractive, or a personality that i would find attractive to be the criteria for me to ignite within myself the feeling of love, so making the feeling of love within me dependent on pictures and images acquired throughout my life, within this abdicating totally who the person really is as life HERE,and also who i am as myself as life HERE.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only feel a special feeling as love for the dogs i have had in my life, because i found them cute and this cute was purely based on what i have been brainwashed to belief was cute or not cute.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only feel a special feeling as love for the cats i have had in my life, just because of the way they looked and how cute they were, was reason enough for me to have the special feeling as love to/towards/for them, and within this not seeing/realizing/understanding how i was busy accepting and allowing myself to rely on images and pictures within my mind that will determine the degree of love i will feel.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to rely on my feelings of love to/towards/for another to determine if i will care enough for them or not.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to belief that just because i am going through an experience of love within me makes me give special attention to the person or thing  i am having the feeling to/towards/for.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only love when i like people or animals or things, based on my own self-created definition of what i consider to be likable or not likable, if it is not in alignment with the images and pictures in my mind that i have accepted and allowed that would be likable to me, i will just disregard them as someone or something to be liked and eventually loved.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how my love was not reaching far enough as for me to take a stand and stance for life as i could see with my physical eyes how life is being abused, but the lives that are being abused are not in my dominion, in my close vicinity in order for me to love enough so i can take common sense practical action that is best for all life, not accepting and allowing any abuse and harm to be done to life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect/link love to images and pictures in my mind, that i have come to define as likable, and potentially lovable. 

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness, and commitments show others as me, how love is a feeling that is so deceptive and not constant and consistent and always HERE.

I commit myself to debunk love as this feeling wherever i am to expose the true nature of this love that most are so crazy about and will not see/realize/understand how this love that they are feeling is not feeling the pains and harm of life in this world.

I commit myself to step by step, breath by breath to ground myself here as in and as breath one and equal within and as my human physical body where nothing moves within me, only me as breath within and as my human physical body one and equal, and within this walk as an example as how to live without having any participation in the feelings and thoughts, but yet cares for all life physically/practically as one as equal as me till this is done, showing real compassion and care without any feelings inside me.


Larry Manuela

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